Russian mother asks for a son
Russian mother asks for a son
New Russians (Russian: новые русские, Novye Russkie, the nouveau-riche ), a class of arrogant, stupid, poorly-educated post- perestroika businessmen and gangsters , were a very common category of characters in Russian jokes of the 1990s. A common theme is the interaction of a New Russian in his archetypal shiny black Mercedes S600 , arguing with a regular Russian in his modest Soviet-era Zaporozhets after their vehicles collide. The New Russian is often a violent criminal or at least speaks criminal argot , with a number of neologisms (or common words with skewed meaning) typical among New Russians. In a way, these anecdotes are a continuation of the Soviet-era series about Georgians , who were then depicted as extremely wealthy. The physical stereotype of the New Russians is often that of overweight men with short haircuts, dressed in thick gold chains and crimson jackets, with their fingers in the horns gesture , cruising around in the "600 Merc" and showing off their wealth. Jokes about expensive foreign sports cars can be compared to German Manta jokes . A New Russian`s son complains to his father: "Daddy, all my schoolmates are riding the bus, and I look like a black sheep in this 600 Merc." / "No worries, son. I`ll buy you a bus, and you`ll ride like everyone else!" A New Russian brags to his colleague: "Look at my new tie. I bought it for 500 dollars in the store over there." / "You were conned. You could have paid twice as much for the same one just across the street!" A New Russian and an old man lie injured side-by-side in an emergency room: "How did you get here, old fella?" / "I had an old Zaporozhets car, and I installed my war trophy Messerschmitt jet engine in it. While driving on a highway, I saw a Ferrari ahead and tried to overtake it. My speed was too high, I lost control, and crashed into a tree... And how did you get here?" / "I was driving my Ferrari when I saw a Zaporozhets overtaking me. I thought that my car might have broken down again, and had coasted to a stop. So I opened the door and stepped out..." Jokes set in the animal kingdom also feature characters, which draw their roots in the old Slavic fairy tales, where animals are portrayed as sapient beings with a stereotypical behavior, such as the violent Wolf; the sneaky Fox; the cocky, cowardly Hare; the strong, simple-minded Bear; the multi-dimensional Hedgehog; and the Lion, king of the animal kingdom. In the Russian language all objects, animate and inanimate, have a (grammatical) gender – masculine, feminine, or neuter. The reader should assume that the Wolf, the Bear, the Hare, the Lion, and the Hedgehog are males, whereas the Fox (Vixen) is a female: The Bear , the Wolf and the Vixen are playing cards . The Wolf warns, shuffling: "No cheating! If anyone is cheating, her smug red-furred face is going to hurt!" "If something has spilled from somewhere, then that must mean that something has poured into somewhere else," the Drunken Hedgehog mused philosophically when the campers quarrelled over a broken bottle. ("Drunken hedgehog" is a kind of multipurpose Russian cliché.) Animals in Russian jokes are and were very well aware of politics in the realm of humans: A bunch of animals including a Cock are in prison and brag to each other about why they were sent there. The Cock doesn`t take part in this. Someone asks: "And what are you in for?" / "I am not talking to you, criminals. I am a political prisoner !" / "How come?" / "I pecked a Young Pioneer in the arse!" Animal jokes are often fables , i.e. their punchline is (or eventually becomes) a kind of a maxim . The Hare runs like crazy through a forest and meets the Wolf. The Wolf asks: "What`s the matter? Why such haste?" / "The camels there are caught and shod !" The Wolf says: "But you`re not a camel!" / "Hey, after you are caught and shod, just you try to prove to them that you are not a camel!" This joke is a suggested to be an origin of the popular Russian saying "try to prove you are not a camel" in the sense "try to prove something to someone who doesn`t want to listen", used in relation to violations of the presumption of innocence  by Russian law enforcement agencies, or when someone has to fight the bureaucracy to get official papers proving that one has lost a leg or is even alive. The Hare and the joke itself were used to illustrate the hassles of a Soviet lishenets in a 1929 issue of a satirical magazine Chudak.  Mikhail Melnichenko, in an article about Soviet political jokes cites a 1926 private collection, which renders the joke in a more gruesome form, where the Hare is scared of the rumor that all camels are taken hostages by Cheka and shot (a reference to the Red Terror ).  A similar parable was told by a 13th-century Persian poet and Sufi Jalal ad-Din Rumi , it which a person was scared to be taken for a donkey and skinned.  Aside from mammals, a rather common non-human is the "Golden Fish", who asks the catcher to release her in exchange for three wishes. The first Russian instance of this appeared in Alexander Pushkin `s The Tale of the Fisherman and the Fish . In jokes, the Fisherman may be replaced by a representative of a nationality or ethnicity, and the third wish usually makes the punch line of the joke. An American, a Frenchman and a Russian are alone on an uninhabited island. They catch fish for food and suddenly catch a Golden Fish, who promises to fulfill two wishes for each in trade for her own freedom: The Russian: "Tsk, and we were getting along so well. Three crates of vodka and the two fellas back!" Side Note: This joke is a play on the fact that in Russia it is believed that three is the optimal number of people for drinking. This in turn goes back to when in the Soviet Union a bottle of vodka cost 2.87 Soviet rubles , 3 rubles being a convenient price for three men to buy a bottle and have 13 kopecks left for a snack. The classic for the latter was a rectangular pack of soft processed cheese "Druzhba" (Friendship), with that exact price. Therefore, a natural company is 3, each contributing 1 ruble. This procedure was dubbed "to have arranged for three (persons)" ( Russian : сообразить на троих; soobrazit` na troikh, literal translation: "to have figured out for three"). Much of Soviet folklore is based on this interpretation of the "magic of the number 3 ". A similar type of joke involves a wish-granting Genie , the main difference being that in the case of the Golden Fish the Fisherman suffers from his own stupidity or greed, while the Genie is known for ingeniously twisting an interpretation of the wish to frustrate the grantee. A man finds an old bottle, picks it up and opens it. The Genie comes out of the bottle and says: "Thanks so much for letting me out! I feel I should do something for you, too. Would you like to become a Hero of the Soviet Union ?" (Hero of the Soviet Union was the highest Soviet award). The guy says: "Yes, sure!" Next thing he knows, he finds himself on a battlefield with five grenades, alone against five German panzers . A drunkard takes a leak by a lamp pole in the street. A policeman tries to reason with him: "Can`t you see the latrine is just 25 feet away?" The drunkard replies: "Do you think I`ve got a fire hose in my trousers?" Drunk #1 is slowly walking, bracing himself against a fence and stumbling. He comes across Drunk #2, who is lying next to the fence. "What a disgrace! Lying around like a pig! I`m ashamed for you." / "You just keep on walking, demagogue! We`ll see what you`re gonna do when you run out of fence!" These often revolve around the supposition that the vast majority of Russian and Soviet militsioners (policemen, now called politzia) accept bribes. Also, they are not considered to be very bright. Three prizes were awarded for the successes in a Socialist competition of the Traffic Inspection Department #18. The third prize is the Complete Works of Vladimir Lenin . The second prize is 100 roubles and a ticket to Sochi ... The first prize is a portable stop sign . (There are several versions with this punch line about the stop sign, which is a Soviet peculiarity. A portable stop sign allowed the militsioner to put it in an unexpected or hard-to-see place on a road, to fine everyone passing it, and to appropriate most of the fines for himself. One such joke: The policeman asked his supervisor for a raise and got the reply, "I cannot give you a raise, but I can give you a stop sign.") A person on a bus tells a joke: "Do you know why policemen always go in pairs?" / "No, why?" / "It`s specialization: one knows how to read, the other knows how to write." / A hand promptly grabs him by the shoulder – a policeman is standing right behind him! / "Your papers!" he barks. The hapless person surrenders his official papers . / The policeman opens them, reads, and nods to his partner: "Write him a citation for slandering the Soviet Militsiya, Vasya". (A version of this joke involves a third policeman whose sole job is in turn to watch over these two dangerously literate intellectuals.) Imperial Russia had been multi-ethnic for many centuries, and this situation continued throughout the Soviet period, and continues still. Throughout history, several ethnic stereotypes have developed, often in common with those views by other ethnicities (usually except for the ethnicity in question, but not always). Chukchi , the native people of Chukotka , the most remote northeast corner of Russia, are a common minority targeted for generic ethnic jokes in Russia.  In jokes, they are depicted as generally primitive, uncivilized, and simple-minded, but clever in a naive kind of way.  A propensity for constantly saying odnako (equivalent to "however", depending on context) is a staple of Chukcha jokes. Often a straight man of the Chukcha in the jokes is a Russian geologist . "Chukcha, why did you buy a fridge, if it`s so cold on the tundra?" / "Why, is −50° Celsius outside yaranga , is −10° inside, is −5° in fridge – warm place, odnako!" A Chukcha comes into a shop and asks: "Do you have color TVs?" / "Yes, we do." / "Give me a green one." A Chukcha applies for membership in the Union of Soviet Writers . He is asked what literature he is familiar with. "Have you read Pushkin ?" / "No." / "Have you read Dostoevsky ?" / "No." / "Can you read at all?" / The Chukcha, offended, replies, "Chukcha not reader, Chukcha writer!"  (The latter phrase has become a popular cliché in Russian culture, hinting at happy or militant ignorance.) Chukchi do not miss their chance to retort: A Chukcha and a Russian geologist go hunting polar bears . They track one down at last. Seeing the bear, the Chukcha shouts "Run!" and starts running away. The Russian shrugs, calmly raises his gun, and shoots the bear. "Russian hunter, bad hunter!" the Chukcha exclaims. "Ten kilometres to the yaranga, you haul this bear yourself!"  Chukchi, due to their innocence, often see the inner truth of situations: A Chukcha returning home from Moscow is met with great excitement and interest from his friends: "What is socialism like?" / "Oh," begins the Chukcha in awe, "There, everything is for the betterment of man... I even saw that man himself!" (a reference to the Communist slogan Всё для блага человека!, "Everything for the betterment of man").  Ukrainians are depicted as rustic, stingy, and inordinately fond of salted salo (pork back fat); their accent, which is imitated in jokes, is perceived as funny. A Ukrainian tourist is questioned at international customs : "Are you carrying any weapons or drugs ?" / "What are drugs?" / "They make you get high ." / "Yes, salo." / "But salo is not a drug." / "When I eat salo, I get high!" A Ukrainian is asked: "Can you eat a kilo of apples?" / "Yes, I can." / "Can you eat two kilos of apples?" / "I can." / "And five kilos?" / "I can." / "Can you eat 100 kilos?!" / "What I cannot eat, I will nibble!" A Ukrainian and an African student live together in a room. The African is poor and hungry, but the Ukrainian has received a food package from parents. So he takes out a can of borscht, a big loaf of bread with butter, a big piece of salo, onion, a bottle of gorilka (vodka) and begins to eat. The African looks at him jealously. The Ukrainian asks: "Are you hungry ?" / "Yes, very hungry !" / "Sorry, I don`t have bananas." The Soviet Union has launched the first man into space. A Hutsul shepherd, standing on top of a hill, shouts over to another shepherd on another hill to tell him the news. "Mykola!" / "Yes!" / "The moskali have flown to space!" / "All of them?" / "No, just one." / "So why are you bothering me then?" (An oral version may end at the "all of them" sentence, said in a hopeful tone). Georgians are almost always depicted as stupid, greedy, hot-blooded, or sexually addicted, and in some cases, all four at the same time. A very loud and theatrical Georgian accent, including grammatical errors considered typical of Georgians, and occasional Georgian words are considered funny to imitate in Russian and often becomes a joke in itself. In some jokes, Georgians are portrayed as rich, because in Soviet times they were also perceived as profiting immensely from black market businesses. There is a humorous expression deriving from the custom in police reports of referring to them as "persons of Caucasian nationality" ( Russian : лицо кавказской национальности). Since the Russian word for "person" in the formal sense, ( Russian : лицо), is the same as the word for "face", this allows a play on words about "faces of Caucasian nationality". In Russia itself, most people see "persons of Caucasian nationality" mostly at marketplaces selling fruits and flowers. In recent years, many old jokes about rich Georgians are being recast in terms of " New Russians ". A plane takes off from the Tbilisi airport in Georgia. A passenger storms the pilot`s cabin, waving an AK-47 rifle and demanding that the flight be diverted to Israel . The pilot shrugs in agreement, but suddenly the hijacker`s head falls off his shoulders, and a Georgian pops from behind with a blood-drenched dagger, and a huge suitcase: "Lisss`n here genatsvale: No any Israel-Misrael. Fly Moscow nonstop – my roses are wilting!" In the zoo, two girls are discussing a gorilla with a huge penis: "That`s what a real man must have!" A Georgian passer-by sarcastically remarks: "You are badly mistaken, its not a man, it is a male. This is what a real man must have!", and produces a thick wallet . Estonians and Finns are depicted as having no sense of humor and being stubborn, taciturn, and especially slow. The Estonian accent, especially its sing-song tune and the lack of genders in grammar, forms part of the humor. Their common usage of long vowels and consonants both in speech and orthography (e.g. words such as Tallinn , Saaremaa ) also led to the stereotype of being slow in speech, thinking, and action. In the everyday life, a person may be derisively called a "hot-headed Estonian fellow" (or in similar spirit, a "hot-tempered Finnish bloke", a phrase popularized by the 1995 Russian comedy Peculiarities of the National Hunt ) to emphasize tardiness or lack of temperament. Indeed, Estonians play a similar role in Soviet humor to that of Finns in Scandinavian jokes. Finnish political scientist Ilmari Susiluoto , also an author of three books on Russian humor, writes that Finns and Russians understand each other`s humor. "Being included in a Russian anecdote is a privilege that Danes or Dutchmen have not attained. These nations are too boring and unvaried to rise into the consciousness of a large country. But the funny and slightly silly, stubborn Finns, the Chukhnas do."  An Estonian stands by a railway track. Another Estonian passes by on a handcar , pushing the pump up and down. The first one asks: "Iis iitt a llonngg wwayy ttoo Ttallinn?" / "Nnoot ttoo llonngg." He gets on the car and joins pushing the pump up and down. After two hours of silent pumping the first Estonian asks again: "Iis iitt a llonngg wwayy ttoo Ttallinn?" / "Nnnoooowww iiitt iiiis llonngg wwayy." A special offer from Estonian mobile phone providers: the first two hours of a call are free. "I told some Estonian blokes that they`re slow." / "What did they reply?" / "Nothing, but they beat me up the following day." A Finnish family – parents and two brothers – goes to the countryside in their car. Suddenly some animal crosses the road in front of the car and runs away into the forest. After an hour one brother says: "It is a fox!" After another hour, the second brother says: "No, it is a wolf!" After two hours, the father replies: "Well, why don`t you have a fight, you hot-headed Finnish guys!" Two Finns are sitting near a road. Suddenly, a car passes in a fast, noisy blur, barely visible. After 30 minutes one Finn asks: "Whaaat waaaaas thaaaat?" After 30 more minutes, the other replies: "Thaaaat waaaas Miiiiiiiikaaaa Häaaaaakkiiiiiiineeeeeen , the shaaaame of the Fiiiiinniiish naaaaation" Finns share with Chukchi their ability to withstand cold: At −10° Celsius, heating is switched on in British homes, while Finns change into a long-sleeved shirt. At −20°, Austrians fly to Málaga , while Finns celebrate midsummer . At −200°, hell freezes over and Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest . (This joke predates the event, previously deemed impossible, of Finland actually winning the contest, in 2006 .) At −273°, absolute zero temperature is reached, and all atomic movement ceases. The Finns shrug and say: " Perkele , a bit chilly today, isn`t it?".  Jewish humor is a highly developed subset of Russian humor, largely based on the Russian Jews ` self-image. These Jewish anecdotes are not the same as anti-Semitic jokes. As some Jews say themselves, Jewish jokes are being made by either anti-Semites or the Jews themselves. Instead, whether told by Jews or non-Jewish Russians, these jokes show cynicism, self-irony , and wit that is characteristic of Jewish humor both in Russia and elsewhere in the world (see Jewish humor ). The jokes are usually told with a characteristic Jewish accent (stretching out syllables, parodying the uvular trill of "R", etc.) and some peculiarities of sentence structure calqued into Russian from Yiddish . Many of these jokes are set in Odessa , and to some extent the phrase " Odessa humor " is synonymous with "Jewish jokes," even if the characters don`t have Jewish names and even their religion/ethnicity is never mentioned. To Russians, it is sufficient to begin a joke with: "So, an Odessan woman gets on the bus...", and her Jewishness is implicitly understood by the listener. Abram cannot sleep, tossing and turning from side to side... Finally his wife Sarah inquires: "Abram, what`s bothering you?" / "I owe Moishe 20 roubles, but I have no money. What shall I do?" / Sarah bangs on the flimsy wall and shouts to the neighbors: "Moishe! My Abram still owes you 20 roubles? Well he isn`t giving them back!" / Turning to her husband, she says reassuringly: "Now go to sleep and let Moishe stay awake!" An Odessa Jew meets another one. "Have you heard, Einstein has won the Nobel Prize?" / "Oy, what for?" / "He developed this Relativity Theory." / "Yeah, what`s that?" / "Well, you know, five hairs on your head is relatively few. Five hairs in your soup is relatively many." / "And for that he gets the Nobel Prize?!" A Red Guardsman pounds on Abram`s door. / He answers through the door: "Yes?" / "Abram, we`ve come for everything precious." / Abram thinks for a few seconds, and calls out: "Rosa, my precious, someone`s here for you!" During the 1967 Arab–Israeli War sympathies of the Soviet Jews were on the side of the Israel despite Egypt under Nasser being officially a Soviet ally, " on the Socialist path of development ": A quiet time at the Egypt-Israel frontline. A Jew shouts: "Hey, Abdullah!" – A head pops up: "What do you want?" – and catches a bullet. Now an Egyptian shouts: "Hey, Abraham!" – "Who asked Abraham?" – A head pops up: "It`s me, Abdullah!" – and catches a bullet. Common jokes center on the enormous size of the Chinese population, the Chinese language and the perceptions of the Chinese as cunning, industrious, and hard-working. Other popular jokes revolve around the belief that the Chinese are capable of amazing feats by primitive means, such as the Great Leap Forward . The Chinese Government decided to hack the Pentagon server and commanded all Chinese people. After hundreds of billions of attempts server agreed that password was "Mao Zedong" "During the Damansky Island incident the Chinese military developed three main strategies: The Great Offensive, The Small Retreat, and Infiltration by Small Groups of One to Two Million Across the Border". "When a child is born in a wealthy Chinese family, there is an ancient tradition: a silver spoon is dropped onto the jade floor. The sound the spoon makes will be the name of the newborn." (see Chinese names ) The initial report on the first Chinese human spaceflight : "All systems operational, boiler-men on duty!" A good many of the jokes are puns based on the fact that a widespread Chinese syllable (written as "hui" in pinyin ) looks very similar to the obscene Russian word for penis . For this reason, since about 1956 the Russian-Chinese dictionaries render the Russian transcription of this syllable as "хуэй" (huey) (which actually is closer to the correct Chinese pronunciation). The most embarrassing case for the Chinese-Soviet friendship probably is the word " socialism " (社会主义; pinyin : shè huì zhǔ yì), rendered previously as шэ-хуй-чжу-и. The following humorous possibilities for the misunderstanding of the Chinese syllable "Hui" are derived from Aarons`s (2012) text:  A new Chinese ambassador is to meet Gromyko . When the latter enters, the Chinese presents himself: "Zhui Hui!" Gromyko, unperturbed, retorts "Zhui sam!" The surprised Chinese asks: "And where is Gromyko?" (The pun is that zhui hui (a mock Chinese name) means "chew a dick" in Russian and zhui sam means "chew [it] yourself"). Сунь Хуй в Чай Вынь Пей Сам, Sun` Huy v Chay Vyn` Pey Sam, (literally meaning "Dip [your] penis into tea, withdraw [and] drink [it], yourself") is a made-up "Chinese name" that is analogous to the English "Who Flung Dung". A suitable English interpretation sounds like "Dip Dick Tea, Back, You Drink". There is another variation of this joke about two Chinese persons: Сунь Хуй в Чай ("Sun` Huy v Chay") and Вынь Су Хим ("Vyn` Su Him"), which can be translated as "Dip [your] penis into tea" and "Take [it] out dry", where a word "сухим" (suhim, meaning "dry") is divided into two syllables "су" ("su") and "хим" ("him"). A subset of name-based jokes use the reverse, implying direct Soviet participation in Korean war. Usually "chinese" pilot Lee See Tsyn is mentioned, being an easily recognizable Russian family name Лисицын (Lisitsyn, from Лис - fox in Russian). Some versions also include pilots Ku Ree Tsyn, See Nee Tsyn and Tu Pee Tsyn. These are respectively Курицин, from курица (hen), Синицын (синица, titmouse) and Тупицын (тупица, dumb one). Russians are a stereotype in Russian jokes themselves when set next to other stereotyped ethnicities . Thus, the Russian appearing in a triple joke with two Westerners, German , French , American or Englishman , will provide for a self-ironic punchline depicting himself as simple-minded and negligently careless but physically robust, which often ensures that he retains the upper hand over his less naive Western counterparts. Another common plot is a Russian holding a contest with technologically-superior opponents (usually, an American and a Japanese) and winning with sheer brute force or a clever trick. A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian go on a safari and are captured by cannibals . They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow , so I`ll grant each of you a last request." The German asks for a mug of beer and a bratwurst . He gets it, and then the cannibals eat him. The Frenchman asks for three girls. He has crazy sex with them, and then suffers the fate of the German. The Russian demands: "Hit me hard, right on my nose!" The chief is surprised, but hits him. The Russian pulls out a Kalashnikov and shoots all the cannibals. The mortally-wounded chief asks him: "Why didn`t you do this before we ate the German?" The Russian proudly replies: "Russians are not aggressors!" (This joke has also been used as a Jewish joke ; more specifically, as an Israeli joke, alluding to Israel`s being constantly afraid of being seen as the "aggressor".) A Chukcha sits on the shore of the Bering Strait . An American submarine surfaces. The American captain opens the hatch and asks: "Which way is Alaska?" The Chukcha points his finger: "That way!" / "Thanks!" says the American, shouts "South-South-East, bearing 159.5 degrees!" down the hatch and the submarine submerges. Ten minutes later, a Soviet submarine emerges. The Russian captain opens the hatch and asks the Chukcha: "Where did the American submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "South-South-East bearing 159.5 degrees!" "Don`t be a smart-ass", says the captain, "just point your finger!" A Frenchman, a Japanese, and a Russian are captured by an alien . He locks them in cells and demands that they amaze him using three steel balls – the winner will be released, the others will be executed. A week later, the Frenchman demonstrates a juggling trick with the balls. The Japanese has created a rock garden . However the Russian is declared winner: he broke one ball, and lost another one. American pilots challenged Russians to find out whose planes are faster. Americans took the latter-day supersonic aircraft, Russians managed to get only old decommissionned Kukuruznik and tied it to American plane with rope. After takeoff American crew talks: "Sir, Russians are right behind us!" - "What is our speed?" - "400 mph" - "Raise to 500!" - "Sir, Russians don`t fall behind!" - "Raise to 600!" - "Sir, I`m afraid we will lose!" - "Why?" - "They stil even didn`t remove their landing gear yet!" Like elsewhere in the world, a good many of jokes in Russia are based on puns . Other jokes depend on grammatical and linguistic oddities and irregularities in the Russian language: (L) The genitive plural of a noun (used with a numeral to indicate five or more of something, as opposed to the dual , used for two, three, or four, see Russian nouns ) is a rather unpredictable form of the Russian noun, and there are a handful of words which even native speakers have trouble producing this form of (either due to rarity or an actual lexical gap ). A common example of this is kocherga (fireplace poker). The joke is set in a Soviet factory. Five pokers are to be requisitioned. The correct forms are acquired, but as they are being filled out, a debate arises: what is the genitive plural of kocherga? Is it Kocherg? Kocherieg? Kochergov?... One thing is clear: a form with the wrong genitive plural of kocherga will bring disaster from the typically pedantic bureaucrats . Finally, an old janitor overhears the commotion, and tells them to send in two separate requisitions: one for two kochergi and another for three kochergi. In some versions, they send in a request for 4 kochergi and one extra to find out the correct word, only to receive back "here are your 4 kochergi and one extra." A similar story by Mikhail Zoshchenko involves yet another answer: after great care and multiple drafts to get the genitive case correct, including the substitution of "five штук (pieces)" for "five pokers", the response comes back: the warehouse has no kocherezhek (fully regular G pl of kocherezhka, "little poker").  The Russian word for " testicle " is a diminutive of " egg ", so the slang word is the non-diminutive form (yaitso, cf. Spanish huevo). A large variety of jokes capitalizes on this, ranging from predictably silly to surprisingly elegant: A man jumps onto a bus and falls over another man, who is holding a large sack and cries out: "Watch the eggs!" / "Are you stupid? Who would carry eggs in a sack?" / "Watch your eggs. This sack is full of nails !" There is an exhibit of a precious jeweled Fabergé egg at the Hermitage Museum . The label reads: "Fabergé / Self-portrait (fragment)" A train compartment holds a family: a small daughter, her mother, and grandma. A fourth passenger is a Georgian (See jokes about Georgians ). The mother starts feeding a soft-boiled egg to the daughter with a silver spoon. / Grandma: "Don`t you know that eggs can spoil silver ?" / "Who would have known!", thinks the Georgian, and he hastily moves his silver cigarette case from his front pants pocket to the back one. Vladimir Putin , in one of his 2002 putinisms noticed by media, exploited this popular pun; when asked of his opinion about portraits of presidents painted on Easter eggs , he answered: "I don`t know what they paint on their eggs; I haven`t seen."  This is reminiscent of the following joke: A Russian invites his new American friend, a student of Russian culture, to meet his family during the Easter period: "Please meet my mother!" / "Oh, your mother! My respects!" / "That`s my sister!" / "Oh, your sister! Charmed!" / "And my brother is in the kitchen, painting the eggs." / "Oh, a hippie ! We have them too!" Some religious jokes make fun of the clergy. They tend to be told in quasi- Church Slavonic , with its archaisms and the stereotypical okanye (a clear pronunciation of the unstressed /o/ as /o/; Modern Russian or "Muscovite" speech reduces unstressed /o/ to /a/ ). Clergymen in these jokes always bear obsolete names of distinctively Greek origin, and speak in basso profundo . (L) At the lesson of the Holy Word: "Disciple Dormidontiy, pray tell me, is the soul separable from the body or not." / "Separable, Father." / "Verily speakest thou. Substantiate thy reckoning." / "Yesterday morning, Father, I was passing by your cell and overheard your voice chanting: [imitates basso voicing] `... And now, my soul, arise and get thee dressed.` " / "Substantiatum est... But in vulgar !" (The Russian phrase that translates literally as "my soul" is a term of endearment, often toward romantic partners, comparable to English "my darling") A young woman in a miniskirt jumps onto a bus. The bus starts abruptly, and she falls onto the lap of a seated priest. Surprised, she looks down and exclaims, "Wow!" / "It`s not a `wow!`, my daughter", says the priest, "it is the key to the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour !" Later, when the priest reaches the cathedral, he fishes through his pockets and exclaims, "Oh dear! I left the key at home." Other jokes touching on religion involve Heaven or Hell. A Communist died, and since he was an honest man albeit atheist , he was sentenced to rotate spending one year in Hell and one year in Heaven. One year passed and Satan said to God: "Take this man as fast as possible. Because he turned all my young demons into Young Pioneers , I have to restore some order." Another year passed, Satan meets God again and tells him: "Lord God, it`s my turn now." God replied: "First of all, don`t call me Lord God, but instead Comrade God; second, there is no God; and one more thing – don`t distract me or I`ll be late to the Party meeting." A Russian and an American are sentenced to Hell. The Devil summons them and says: "Guys, you have 2 options: an American or Russian Hell. In the American one you can do what you want, but you`ll have to eat a bucket of shit every morning. The Russian one is the same, but it`s 2 buckets." The Yankee quickly makes up his mind and goes to American Hell, while the Russian eventually chooses the Russian one. In a week or so they meet. The Russian asks: "So, what`s it like out there?"/ "Exactly what the devil said, the Hell itself is OK, but eating a bucket of shit is killing me. And you?" / "Ah, it feels just like home – either the shit doesn`t get delivered or there aren`t enough buckets for everyone!" An American, a Hindu, and a Russian land in Purgatory . A grey-winged angel with a huge whip hanging from his belt meets them and says: "Alright, here`s the rules. Anyone who takes three strikes from my whip without screaming, can go straight to Heaven. You can shield yourselves with whatever you like. We`ve got everything here. Who`s first?" The American steps forward. "Alright, you`ve got three hours to prepare yourself." The American puts on a full-body Kevlar outfit, gets into a tank, drives it into a concrete bunker, the bunker is covered with 15 feet of dirt and inch-thick titanium plates. The angel unravels his whip. SNAP! The titanium and the dirt are gone. SNAP! The bunker and tank are gone. SNAP! The American howls in pain, the ground opens up under his feet and he drops straight to Hell. "Next!", says the angel. The Hindu steps forward. "You`ve got three hours to prepare yourself." / "I need only five minutes. I have studied Yoga all my life and can make myself immune to all pain." The Hindu gets into a lotus position, hums mantras for a few minutes, and rises a couple of inches off the ground. The angel unravels his whip. SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! The Hindu is completely unfazed. "Hmm, impressive. Alright, you`re free to go." / "Thank you, but only after I see how this last one makes it out of this", says the Hindu, looking at the Russian. / "Your call." / The angel turns to the Russian: "What are you going to shield yourself with?" / "With the Hindu, of course." Probably any nation large enough to have an army has a good many of its own barracks jokes. Other than plays on words, these jokes are usually internationally understandable. In the Soviet Union, military service was universal (for males), so most people could relate to them. In these jokes a praporschik ( warrant officer ) is an archetypal bully , possessed of limited wit. A. Dmitriev illustrates his sociological essay "Army Humor" with a large number of military jokes, mostly of Russian origin.  There is an enormous number of one-liners , supposedly quoting a praporschik: "Don`t make clever faces at me — you`re future officers, now act accordingly!" Some of them are philosophical and apply not just to warrant officers: Scene One: A tree. An apple. An ape comes and starts to shake the tree. A voice from above: "Think, think!" The ape thinks, grabs a stick, and knocks the apple off. Scene Two: A tree. An apple. A praporschik comes and starts to shake the tree. A voice from above: "Think, think!" / "There is nothing to think about, gotta shake!" A persistent theme in Russian military/police/law-enforcement-related jokes is the ongoing conflict between the representatives of the armed forces/law enforcement, and the " intelligentsia ", i.e. well-educated members of society. Therefore, this theme is a satire of the image of military/law-enforcement officers and superiors as dumb and distrustful of "those educated smart-alecks": A commander announces: – "The platoon has been assigned to unload `luminum, the lightest iron in the world". A trooper responds, "Permission to speak... It`s ` aluminium `, not `luminum`, and it`s one of the lightest metals in the world, not the lightest `iron` in the world." The commander retorts: "The platoon is going to unload `luminum... and the intelligentsia are going to unload ` castum ironum `!" (The Russian words are lyuminiy and chuguniy). Until shortly before perestroika , all fit male students of higher education had obligatory military ROTC courses from which they graduate as junior officers in the military reserve . A good many of military jokes originated there: "Soviet nuclear bombs are 25% more efficient than the Atomic Bombs of the probable adversary. American bombs have 4 zones of effect: A, B, C, D, while ours have five: А, Б, В, Г, Д!" (the first five letters of the Russian alphabet , they are transliterated into Latin as A, B, V, G, D). "Suppose we have a unit of M tanks... no, M is not enough. Suppose we have a unit of N tanks!" Angry threat to an idle student: "I ought to drag you out into the open field, shove you face-first against a wall, and shoot you between the eyes with a shotgun, so that you`d remember it for the rest of your life!" Cadets, write down: "the temperature of boiling water is 90°." / One of the privates replies, "Comrade praporshchik, you`re mistaken — it`s 100°!" / The officer consults his handbook, and then announces, "Right, 100°. It is the right angle that boils at 90°." Cadets, now write down: "This device works at a temperature between −400 and 400 degrees." / "Comrade praporshchik, there is no temperature like −400 degrees!" / "What would you know, it`s a brand new, secret device!" (Note that Russia uses the Celsius scale .) Sometimes, these silly statements can cross over, intentionally or unintentionally, into the realm of actual wit: "Cadet, explain why you have come to class wearing the uniform of our probable military adversary!" (most probably, the instructor means jeans made in the United States) The reply is: "Because they are a probable war trophy !" There are jokes about Russian nuclear missile forces and worldwide disasters because of lack of basic army discipline: A missile silo officer falls asleep during his watch, with his face on the control board, and accidentally hits the " big red button ". / An angry colonel bursts in, the junior officer snaps awake and proudly announces: "Nothing to report during my watch, Comrade Colonel" / "Nothing to report, you say?! Nothing to report?!! So where the hell is Belgium ?!!!" Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, two submarines, Soviet and American, come to the surface. The Soviet one is old and rusty; the American one is new and sleek matte black . On the Soviet one, the crew lounges about lazily, and a drunken captain yells at them: "Who threw a valenok (traditional Russian winter footwear made of felt) on the control board? I`m asking you, who threw a valenok on the control board?!" / From the American submarine, a clean-shaven, sober, and smartly-dressed captain yells scornfully: "You know, folks, in America..." / The Russian captain dismissively interrupts him: "America??! Ain`t no fucking America no more!!" [He turns back to his crew] "Who threw a valenok on the control board?!" There is also eternal mutual disdain between servicemen and civilians: Civilian: "You servicemen are dumb. We civilians are smart!" / Serviceman: "If you are so smart, then why don’t you march in single file?" An old woman stands in the market with a " Chernobyl mushrooms for sale" sign. A man goes up to her and demands: "Hey, what are you doing? Who`s going to buy Chernobyl mushrooms?" / "Why, lots of people. Some for their boss, others for their mother-in-law..." A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant ?" / "Yes, there was", answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson`s head. / "Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?" / "Yes, absolutely", answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson`s second head. (Often added: "And they strolled off together, wagging their tails"). A Soviet newspaper reports: "Last night the Chernobyl Nuclear Power station fulfilled the Five Year Plan of heat energy generation... in 4 microseconds." (A poke on common Soviet reports about speedy execution of five-year plans.) "Is it true, that you may eat meat from Chernobyl?" / "Yes, you may. But your feces will need to be buried in concrete 30 feet deep underground." "It`s very difficult to gather mushrooms in Chernobyl; they scramble in all directions when you approach." Medical jokes are widespread. Often, they consist of a short dialogue of doctor or nurse with a patient: An autopsy of a dead patient revealed that cause of death was... an autopsy. "Nurse, where are we going?" / "To the morgue."/ "But I haven`t died yet!"/ "Well, we haven`t arrived yet." The phrase "The doc said `to the morgue` — to the morgue it is!" (Доктор сказал «в морг» — значит в морг!) became a well-known Russian cliché, meaning that something unpleasant must be done. The life of most Russian university students is characterized by many people coming from small towns and crowded into grim dormitories. State universities (the only type of universities in existence during Soviet times) are notable for not caring about the students` comfort or the quality of their food. Most jokes make fun of these "interesting" conditions, inventive evasion by students of their academic duties or lecture attendance, constant shortage of money, and sometimes the alcoholic tendencies of engineering students. A sign in a student dining hall: "Students, do not drop your food on the floor, two cats have already been poisoned!" A crocodile`s stomach can digest concrete. A student`s stomach can digest that of a crocodile. A student in the canteen: "Can I have 2 wieners ... [he hears whispers all around: "Look at the rich guy!"] ...and 17 forks, please?" A very rumpled student peers into an exam room and slurs at the examiner: "Pp-proffessosssor, wou`d you al-low a drunk student tt-o tt-ake the exam?..." / The professor sighs and says, "Sure, why not?" / The rumpled student turns around and slurs into the hallway: "G-guys, c-carry `im in." Also, there are a number of funny student obsessions such as zachyotka (a book of grade transcripts, carried by every student), halyava (a chance of getting something (in this context, good or acceptable grades) without any effort), and getting a stipend for good grades. A large number of jokes are about an exam: these are usually a dialogue between the professor and the student, based on a set of questions written on a bilet (a small sheet of paper, literally "ticket"), which the student draws at random in the exam room, and is given some time to prepare answers. Other jokes use the fact that many (or even most) students really study only when the exam is in the imminent future (in one or two days), otherwise spending time with more interesting activities such as parties. God sends his angel to find out what students do. Angel returns: "Three months before exams. English students study, American students have parties, Russians also have parties". Next time angel reports: "One month before exams. English and Americans study, Russians have parties". Next report: "One night before exams. English and American students learn their subjects, Russians pray for halyava". God: "Well, if they pray, we`ll help them!" Cowboy jokes are a popular series about a Wild West full of trigger-happy simple-minded cowboys , and the perception that everything is big in Texas . It is often difficult to guess whether these are imported or genuinely Russian inventions: In a saloon: "The guy over there really pisses me off!" / "There are four of them; which one?" / [the sound of three shots is heard] / "The one still standing!" Variant: "The guy over there saved my life yesterday, I am really grateful to him." / [???] / "The one that has fallen!" Two cowboys, a newcomer and an old-timer, are drinking beer in front of a saloon. Suddenly, there is a clatter of hooves, a great cloud of dust, and something moving extremely fast from one end of town to the other. The newcomer looks at the old-timer, but seeing no reaction, decides to let the matter drop. However, several minutes later, the same cloud of dust, accompanied by the clatter of hooves, rapidly proceeds in the other direction. Not being able to see what`s behind the dust, and unable to contain his curiosity any longer, the newcomer asks: "OK, what the hell was that, Bill?" / "Oh, that`s Uncatchable Joe. Nobody has ever managed to catch him, Harry." / "Why? Is he so fast, Bill?" / "Nope, it`s just because nobody needs him, Harry." (`Variant: "Nobody cares about him") The "Uncatchable Joe" ( Russian : Неуловимый Джо) has become an ironic nickname in Russia for various difficult-to-find persons (not necessarily unimportant ones). It is suggested that the nickname and the joke originated from a 1923 satirical novel An Uncatchable Enemy: American Novel by Mikhail Kozyrev ( ru:Козырев, Михаил Яковлевич ) which contained a funny song about a Joe who was uncatchable because no one needed him.  A joke making fun of American films and their pirated English-to-Russian dubbing: Two cowboys are standing at crossroads in a prairie. / "Fuck, Bob!" (Voice-over: Where does this road lead to, Bob?) / "Shit, John!" (Voice-over: It leads to Texas, John) / "Fuck, Bob!" (Voice-over: Hell, we don`t need to go to Texas, Bob!) / "Shit, John!" (Voice-over: Don`t swear, John) There is a series of jokes set in mental hospitals , some of which have a political subtext: A lecturer visits the mental hospital and gives a lecture about how great communism is. Everybody claps loudly except for one person who keeps quiet. The lecturer asks: "Why aren`t you clapping?" and the person replies "I`m not a psycho , I just work here." A large number of jokes are about distrofiks, people with severe muscular dystrophy . The main themes are the extreme weakness, slowness, gauntness, and emaciation of a dystrophic patient. Some of the jibes originated in jokes about Gulag camps[ citation needed ]. Alexander Solzhenitsyn , in his Gulag Archipelago , wrote that dystrophy was a typical phase in the life of a Gulag inmate, and quotes the following joke: In order to refute international rumors, Stalin allowed a foreign delegation to inspect some Gulag camps. As a result, a foreign reporter wrote "a zek is lazy, gluttonous, and deceiving". Unfortunately, the same reporter soon landed in a Gulag as an inmate himself. When later released, he instead wrote "a zek is lean, ringing, and transparent" (Russian: tonkiy, zvonkiy, and prozrachny).  Muscular dystrophy patients are playing hide and seek in the hospital: "Vovka, where are you?" / "I`m here, behind this broomstick!" / "Hey, didn`t we have an agreement not to hide behind thick objects?" A jovial doctor comes into a dystrophy ward: "Greetings, eagles!" (a Russian cliché in addressing brave soldiers) / "We`re not eagles. We`re only flying because the nurse turned the fan on!" A dystrophy patient is lying in bed and shouting: "Nurse! Nurse!" / "What is it now?" / "Kill the fly! It`s trampling on my chest!" The very use of obscene Russian vocabulary, called mat , can enhance the humorous effect of a joke by its emotional impact. Due to the somewhat different cultural attitude to obscene slang, such an effect is difficult to render in English. The taboo status often makes mat itself the subject of a joke. One typical plot goes as follows. A construction site expects an inspection from the higher-ups, so a foreman warns the boys to watch their tongues. During the inspection, a hammer is accidentally dropped from the fourth floor right on a worker`s head... The punch line is an exceedingly polite, classy rebuke from the mouth of the injured, rather than a typically expected " #@&%$! ". For example the injured worker might say: "Dear co-workers, could you please watch your tools a little more carefully, so as to prevent such cases and avoid work-place injuries?" In another variant of the joke the punch line is "Vasya, please desist in pouring molten tin over my head". (L) Another series of jokes exploits the richness of the mat vocabulary, which can give a substitute to a great many words of everyday conversation. Other languages often use profanity in a similar way (like the English fuck , for example), but the highly synthetic grammar of Russian provides for the unambiguity and the outstandingly great number of various derivations from a single mat root . Emil Draitser points out that linguists explain that the linguistic properties of the Russian language rich in affixes allows for expression of a wide variety of feelings and notions using only a few core mat words:  An agenda item on working conditions at a trade union meeting of a Soviet plant. Locksmith Ivanov takes the floor: "Mother fuckers!... Go fuck yourself!... Fuck you and you too again!..." A voice from the audience: "Right to the point, Vasya! we won`t work without work robes!" As an ultimate joke in this series, the goal is to apply such substitution to as many words of a sentence as possible while keeping it meaningful. The following dialog at a construction site between a foreman and a worker retains a clear meaning even with all of its 14 words being derived from the single obscene word khuy. Russian language proficiency is needed to understand this fully: Word-by-word: — Okhuyeli?! (Have [you] gone mad?!) Nakhuya (why) dokhuya (so much) khuyni (of stuff) nakhuyarili (you have loaded up)? Raskhuyarivay (unload [it]) nakhuy! (out of here) — Khuli?! (What`s the problem?) Nikhuya! (No way!) Nekhuy (No need) raskhuyarivat (to unload)! Nakhuyacheno ([It] got loaded) nekhuyovo! (quite well)! Pokhuyarili! (Let`s go) — Fuckheads, why the fuck did you fucking load so fucking much of this shit? Unfuck it the fuck out of here! — What`s the fucking problem?! Fuck no! No fucking need to unfuck! It got fucked up fucking well! Let`s fucking go! After this example one may readily believe the following semi-apocryphal story. An inspection was expected at a Soviet plant to award it the Quality Mark , so the administration prohibited the usage of mat. On the next day the productivity dropped abruptly. People`s Control figured out the reason: miscommunication. It turned out that workers knew all the tools and parts only by their mat-based names: khuyovina, pizdyulina, khuynyushka, khuyatina, etc. (all of these are loosely translated as "thing"); the same went for technological processes: otkhuyachit (to detach, cut, disconnect), zayebenit (to push through, force into), prikhuyachit (to attach, connect, bond, nail), khuynut (to move slightly, throw, pour), zakhuyarit (to throw far away, to put in deeply) etc. Another story, possibly apocryphal, relates that during the time of the Space Race the CIA placed a bug in a Soviet rocket factory to gain intelligence about the manufacturing process. After six months of careful listening, the Americans had learned that Soviet rockets seemed to consist of khuyevina, pizd`ulina, and a poyeben` connecting them together, with all three parts being completely interchangeable.
In a recent interview with FightNights she said: `My sons began to grow, as did conflicts with other boys, so I began to tell them that we must learn to fight. Men must fight!` She added: `Many athletes would like to have their loved ones next to them during difficult times, but it`s not a possibility for many.` Brutal: Anna Azovskaya, who is the coach, manager and mother of MMA fighter Viktor Kichigin, slapped her son after he was pummelled by Ruslan Yamanbae Many of the video `s 23,000 viewers expressed disgust at the way the fighter`s mother reacted to her son`s loss. But others enjoyed the feat, wondering if perhaps the pushy parent could have done a better job in the ring than her offspring. In response to a viewer asking why Ms Azovskaya was in the ring to watch the referee declare as the victor at the end of the fight, one YouTube user said: `She landed more punches than her son.`
`He`s got a really good eye`: Elizabeth Hurley, 52, defends her son Damien, 15, for taking her sexy bikini snaps during their holidays together `Thanks for making me a mommy again`: Faryal Makhdoom`s gaffe as she marks International Women`s Day 24 hours late... and gushes over husband Amir Khan Rowan Atkinson hands £10million ultra-modern mansion to ex-wife as part of their divorce deal... after fighting a decade-long planning battle to build it EastEnders SPOILER: Dramatic trailer reveals moment Kat Moon is seen for the first time on Albert Square... after sobbing Big Mo announces her death `Mermaid Vibes`! Paris Hilton shows off her figure in topless Instagram picture... posing in just underwear Stripped down to the bare essentials It mutt be all over: Beaming Nicole Appleton wraps up in puffer jacket as she walks her two sausage dogs amid Paddy McGuinness drama `They were glued to each other`: `Smitten` Robert Pattinson, 31, `gets close to singer Mabel, 22`... after his split from rumoured fiancée FKA Twigs `He`s definitely a keeper`: Smitten Craig Revel Horwood, 53, gushes about his `adorable` new gardener beau Jonathan Myring, 22 I heart mom and dad! Khloe Kardashian shares glimpse of new baby clothes as she prepares to welcome her first child Now dressing for two No arrests, no deaths, no money and now, Phil & Mick let Aidan walk away. Storyline was a waste of time in EastEnders, writes JIM SHELLEY Have they tied the knot? Robin Wright and her French beau Clement Giraudet spark marriage rumors as they wear matching bands to soccer match Hugh Grant, 57, becomes a father for a fifth time as girlfriend Anna Eberstein, 35, gives birth... but it`s ex Elizabeth Hurley who confirms the news Getting him out of her hair! Megan McKenna displays cleavage in VERY low-cut dress... amid claims ex Pete Wicks` new girlfriend will join TOWIE She Hadid it again! Perrie Edwards makes thinly veiled dig at Zayn Malik during solo Shout Out To My Ex singing session... as Little Mix share 2011 throwback `I throw him round the boudoir!` Denise Welch, 59, shows off her age-defying physique... after revealing VERY saucy sex secrets with toyboy husband Lincoln On the run! Kourtney Kardashian, 38, flashes her toned body during jog... after speculation she is off and on with love Younes Bendjima, 24 `They can talk sh** about me, but I`m going to keep doing me`: Kim Kardashian offers advice for dealing with haters as she shares photo with sisters Coronation Street SPOILER: Faye Brookes and Bhavna Limbachia film scenes for kidnap storyline... but will Kate and Rana FINALLY be together? Steve Coulter and Deborah Ramsay set to play Charles and Camilla in Lifetime`s new movie Harry & Meghan: A Royal Romance Spitting images You`re not in Cali now, Gigi! Hadid shows a flash of her bare waist as she braves the cold in a cropped sweater She`s a California girl, born and raised From reality star to skincare guru! Kim Kardashian reveals her celebrity friends go to her for beauty advice - and even TEXT her pictures of their faces `We always had jobs in high school!` Kim Kardashian on how mom Kris raised her to be a success... then helped make her a household name `My more glamorous side`: Rhian Sugden sparks concern as she shares hospital selfie... hours after posting figure-flaunting swimsuit Instagram Ewan McGregor`s daughter Clara praises mother Eve Mavrakis to celebrate International Women`s Day... after actor sparked romance with Mary Elizabeth She sure needs her caffeine! Multi-tasking Natalie Portman juggles a tray with three coffees as she chats on the phone She looked surprise `My boobs are the first thing to go: Bella Thorne on the surprising reason why she shuns cardio but loves boxing Reveals her grueling gym routine EXCLUSIVE: Kate Upton photo shoot for Guess was canceled because she refused to wear lingerie, emails reveal amid claims Paul Marciano harassed her `It`s not about getting attention ALL the time`: A Wrinkle In Time actress Storm Reid, 14, talks staying grounded as young star for LaPalme cover shoot `Gonna miss the pink`: Kim Kardashian is saying goodbye to her blush-colored locks... but what colour will it be next? Keeping us guessing Looking GREAT (Britain)! Former Miss GB Shelby Tribble sizzles in incredibly racy lingerie shoot... as she prepares for her TOWIE debut Emotional Linda Robson cries as Pauline Quirke and Lesley Joseph pay tribute to her ahead of 60th... and Martin Kemp confesses he fancied her in school Lisa Bonet talks about falling in love with new husband Jason Momoa and sensing a `sinister, shadow energy` from Bill Cosby Feeling reflective Pretty as a picture! Adrien Brody, 44, hauls some artwork for his Russian model girlfriend Lara Lieto, 24, before lunch date in West Hollywood It`s a royal baby boom! Sweden`s Princess Madeleine is now a mother-of-three after giving birth to a girl weeks before Kate`s due date Return of the golden girls! Beaming Rachel Shenton and child star Maisie Sly, 6, touch down in London after their unexpected Oscars triumph Mindy Kaling dons strapless b&w-print dress and recalls when she was `a shy, chubby, book-reading kid` on GMA Very grateful Klassy Karlie! Miss Kloss looks chic in blue blazer in New York City... after sharing darling childhood photo with her grandmother Chic and cheerful Exit Aidan Maguire or bye-bye Danny Dyer? Surely only one of Walford`s tough guys will survive tonight on EastEnders, by JIM SHELLEY That racket`s too late for Jools Holland! Musician calls in the council after being plagued by the noise of parties from a wedding venue next to his home `You feel like you`re dying`: Carson Daly shares emotional details about ongoing battle with anxiety, recalling his terror when he had first panic attack Marc Anthony and ex Shannon De Lima put lavish LA mansion with five bedrooms, seven bathrooms and a spa back on the market for $3.35m Does she ever have an off day? Queen Letizia of Spain is chic in shades of taupe as she welcomes visitors to Zarzuela Palace in Madrid Mel B sizzles in red mini dress as she films AGT with Heidi Klum... amid explosive claims made by her ex that she`s a `drug addict and alcoholic` EXCLUSIVE Sam and Billie Faiers` Mummy Diaries pulls in record number of viewers... as fans go wild for little Nelly, Gaynor`s Jesus talk and wedding fever Giggling Jennifer Lawrence cuts a laidback figure as she enjoys girls` day out in LA... after revealing she `rarely has sex because she`s a germaphobe` Can`t keep them apart! Sofia Richie and Scott Disick step out after her dad Lionel Richie `banned` her beau... as the young model shares racy snap Love don`t cost a thing! Jennifer Lopez holds hands with Alex Rodriguez on romantic date night while wearing sexy silk blouse and jeans Could use some more Material, Girl! Kim Kardashian dons tiny black bra and pencil skirt to chat all-things beauty with Madonna at MDNA SKIN launch My divorces cost me £60m: Jim Davidson reveals he BLAMES his ex-wives for the failure of four marriages as he opens up to Piers Morgan about love Mel Doyle joins doting husband John Dunlop at The Book Of Mormon... after revealing she was once told she was `too ordinary to be on TV Politicking And The City! Cynthia Nixon walks through NYC with a camera crew... after announcing possible run for governor Change of career Could they look Moore like sisters? Ageless Demi, 55, poses with daughters Scout, 26, and Tallulah Willis, 24, at Visionary Women bash . So I put the kettle on and he brought an Oscar home: Gary Oldman`s mother Kathleen tells BAZ BAMIGBOYE she is `very proud` of her son Two peas in a pod! Frances Bean Cobain and mom Courtney Love spend time together at an edgy store opening on Melrose in Los Angeles Strictly star Kevin Clifton enjoys lads` night out in high spirits... after defiantly putting on united front with his wife Karen Out with the boys Courtney Stodden, 23, is in financial straits with expenditures double her $2,500-a-month income as she files for divorce from Doug Hutchison, 57 Blowing smoke! Kevin Federline is almost unrecognizable as he puffs on a cigarette... after asking for more spousal support from Britney Spears Susan Sarandon, 71, locks lips with Sir Ian McKellen, 78, as the veteran stars put on a jovial display at Bombshell: The Hedy Lamarr Story screening TOWIE or not TOWIE! ITVBe stars transform into Shakespearean figures to promote new series... after seven series regulars are `axed` in show shake-up Star of Shonda Rhimes` new firefighter-focused ABC show poses for VERY provocative magazine cover shoot, showing off her ample assets Ex Mark Salling who won a $2.7million settlement from the actor after he forced her to have unprotected sex, files a claim to be a creditor on his estate What is THAT on your feet? Kim Zolciak takes an unusual step in ribbon-festooned heels as she holds hands with husband Kroy at LAX airport Red hot! Real Housewives of New York`s Kelly Killoren Bensimon, 49, looks simply stunning in form-fitting scarlet dress for Maestro Cares benefit Panicked Lisa Oldfield reveals her sons Albert, five, and Harry, six, were caught up in 80kph car crash while she and David were on I`m A Celebrity Ruth Langsford strips off for a NAKED exercise class... as her shocked husband Eamonn Holmes says they`ll be having `words` at home Richard Hammond beams as he enjoys a date night with wife Mindy... after vowing to give up high speed racing for good Quality time Melanie Sykes 47, shows off her gym-honed figure in electric blue dress following reports she `is secretly dating German golfer Martin Kaymer, 33` `I never thought I`d get this far`: Brooke Vincent reveals she`d love to win Dancing On Ice... but is most thankful to the show for kicking her smoking habit EastEnders` Dean Gaffney, 40, goes arm-in-arm with his glamorous girlfriend Rebekah Ward, 24, as they enjoy a low-key night out A League Of Their Own! Kim Kardashian rocks `Calabasas Peaches` jersey for softball game with the family as Saint and North play cheerleaders `People will think I`m mad!`: Coronation Street`s Sue Nicholls, 74, reveals she has been visiting psychics since her 20s... as her character Audrey meets a medium on the soap `He`s kinda sticking around now!`: Caroline Flack, 38, and CBB`s Andrew Brady, 27, enjoy loved-up dinner date after going public with their romance Judge wants Bethenny Frankel`s daughter Bryn, 7, to see psychiatrist... and says star must continue to share custody with ex Jason Hoppy A 5am wake up, cayenne pepper instead of coffee and meals `drenched` in olive oil: A day in the life of supermodel Elle Macpherson Revealed: How Tamara Rojo the feared 43-year-old artistic director of the English National Ballet is having a passionate love affair with her star dancer, 27 How the Sixties really swung: Legendary writers Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais recall frolics with leggy models... and how Nureyev couldn`t twist Having an early night? 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The molestation began as gentle fondling when Gregg Milligan was 4 years old, but it soon escalated to aggressive touching and eventually beatings that would render him unconscious. For seven years, until Michigan child welfare workers intervened when he was 11, Milligan was too ashamed to reveal that his tormentor was his own mother. "She was very brutal," said Milligan. "Through her difficulty reaching climax, she would become frustrated and violent, hitting and punching and slapping not only my genitals, but my face and body." "It was terribly confusing, and it wasn`t just the violation," said Milligan, now 46, and director of infrastructure for a major health care provider in Michigan. As bad as the incest was, things got worse. Milligan`s father had left when he was 2, but by the time he was 8, his mother, an alcoholic and a prostitute , invited strange men home who would sexually abuse him. "Back then I would never tell anyone, not even a sibling," said Milligan, the most "compliant and sensitive" of three children living at home. "I was just too afraid. It was so horrendous for me to believe she actually would do this to me." One of the unspeakable secrets in the world of child sexual abuse is that mothers can be molesters . Often, they prey on daughters, but more frequently their sons -- who report increased feelings of isolation and sexual confusion along with thoughts of suicide . Both of Milligan`s parents are now dead, but his past still haunts him. "Around 10 years old, I started to get this unbelievable feeling of dread that if I don`t get out I am going to die from the decadence, the debauchery, the forced molestations and the beatings that became more severe," he said. "For three months I suffered from hysterical paralysis ." An estimated one in four girls and one in seven boys will be sexually assaulted or abused before the age of 18, according to the Alabama-based National Children`s Advocacy Center . In 27 percent of these cases, the abuse is perpetrated by the child`s parents. Previous studies of day care workers published in 2000 in the Journal of Sex Research , found that women -- without male accomplices -- accounted for only about 6 percent of the abuse of females and 14 percent of males. But more recent national surveys indicate about 12 percent of all child abuse cases are committed by women -- "a 100 percent increase compared with previous data," according to Chris Newlin , NCAC`s executive director. "We view females as care givers and protectors of children," he told ABCNews.com. "Now we are beginning to understand females are sexually abusing children, and it is occurring much more." Professionals are stymied by public perception that incest is "an ugly subject," and that women can`t commit such crimes. "If it`s a 35-year-old female and a 14-year-old boy, we`d say the boy is getting lucky," said Newlin. "And if it was a 35 year-old male and a 14-year-old girl, we`d call that a pervert." And boys like Milligan aren`t often believed. "We have this overarching thing that goes back to the Salem witch trials of children making up stories," said Newlin. "You can`t trust kids." Survivors like Milligan say that these crimes often go unnoticed, not just because society can`t imagine women as aggressors, but because boys feel riddled with shame. "There is this terrible stigma that boys crave sex," said Milligan. "We are just as impressionable and naive and just as afraid. How can anything be consensual at 4 or 11 years old?" He was finally able to tell all in the self-published memoir he took a decade to write -- initially titled "God Must Be Sleeping," he changed the title to reflect a more upbeat chronicle of his survival, " A Beautiful World ." But Milligan has much to be positive about. Though his childhood was ravaged, he has managed to raise a son, now 23, who "has never known violence or abuse." Today, Milligan is a spokesman for the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network , sharing his experiences as a survivor. About 10 percent of all crisis calls to the RAINN hotline are from males, according to program director Jennifer Wilson, who said they get about 100,000 calls a year. "This crime is hard to track because people just don`t share it with law enforcement," she told ABCNews.com. In September, when child star MacKenzie Phillips went on the "Oprah Winfrey Show" to disclose her father had raped her at the age of 19, calls to RAINN`s hotline from incest victims "spiked." Mothers who sexually abuse tend to have higher rates of mental illness and are often the victims of abuse themselves. They also have easier access to children. "It`s easy for women to go unnoticed," said Wilson. "And at the legal stage, they get lighter sentences." Because incest is considered taboo, few boys come forward and social service providers are not often trained in detecting signs in women abusers. One victim, Dominic Carter, a TV news reporter in New York, wrote about his own abuse at the hands of his mother in his 2007 memoir, " No Momma`s Boy ." Earlier this month, Carter was convicted of attempted assault after a 2008 fight with his wife, and could face up to three months in jail. As a child, Milligan turned his anguish inward. "My brother and sister could leave the house and naturally play with friends," he said. "I was petrified to leave mother. The clear sense was that if I did, the punishment would be worse." His mother also threatened to kill herself and Milligan said he more than once was hit by cars while chasing his mother into the street. His father was equally volatile, returning once to beat his mother "so bad he left her with an eye hanging out of the socket." Teachers were also unaware of the abuse. "In their defense, I was kept out of school," he said about his frequent injuries. "My mother was very cunning." The family was on welfare, but when social service workers paid their visits, the children were "always pushed out of the house and not allowed to come home," Milligan said. Dr. Carole Jenny , a pediatrician and director of the Child Protection Program at Hasbrow Children`s Hospital in Providence, R.I., said sexual abuse by mothers is "really hard to diagnose -- most of the time it`s not witnessed." "Most kids have normal exams, and most parents give a credible history," she said. "Most prepubescent boys and girls don`t have any lasting physical findings. Abrasions and redness disappear within 24 hours of the event." For young children, like Milligan, who eventually called an older married sister to intervene, getting help is difficult. "I was sneaking money and stealing coins and running down to the pay phone and begging, `Please come and save us,`" he said. "She eventually did but was reluctant because she was afraid." After a court battle -- his mother unsuccessfully sought custody -- Milligan lived for a time with his sister, immersing himself in books and trying to catch up. He had missed so much school that he could only read at a third-grade level. "I could tell time and tie my shoes, but I struggled through my first book, Dr. Seuss` `Green Eggs and Ham,`" he said. "I read the whole summer and pored though every book I checked out of the library. By seventh grade I barely passed, but I never quit. I kept trying and trying." But the abuse took its toll. Until he was 16, Milligan had panic attacks and wet his bed, seeing countless child psychologists and therapists. But by the time he was asked to leave his sister`s at 16, he was an A student and involved in athletics. Though he drifted out of foster homes and shelter with friends and priests, Milligan eventually went on to college and later graduate school. "To this day the one question people ask is why I survived," he said. "I don`t know, maybe there was something bigger and better than all of us and I tapped in to it. But I remind people it doesn`t come without its problems." As an adult, Milligan now needs medication to sleep and still has chronic nightmares, as well as anxiety attacks. "I find myself carrying around a paper bag, but I`ve managed to avoid the pitfalls of any addictions," he said. Some men who are abused by their mothers become hypersexual or addicted to pornography, others avoid contact altogether. Milligan, too, struggles with intimacy in relationships. His first marriage ended in divorce, but he has since remarried. "She is a wonderful woman and working with me in therapy." Milligan`s "happy ending" was watching his son from the first marriage -- "the sweetest, most gentle young man" -- recently graduate summa cum laude from college. "If there is any indication of success, it`s not me or the fact that I graduated from college or writing a professional position," he said. "It`s my son -- he has never known violence, only love." But his own attitude has also fueled Milligan`s recovery. "I wanted to focus on the possibility of change and perseverance," he said. "I honestly don`t know why I chose to read instead of doing drugs." With good treatment, many male victims like Milligan do survive, according to Nancy Cotterman, director of the Broward County Sexual Abuse Treatment Center in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. "I don`t think they ever forget, but there are many who become empowered adolescents and adults." What`s lacking, say experts, is public awareness of mother-son abuse. "We have the laws we need, the professionals in every profession and a tremendous network of highly trained and capable individuals in the U.S. to respond to sexual abuse," said NCAC`s Newlin. "The greatest challenge is that it is such an ugly subject that most people have a hard time wanting to pay attention to it"
These wonderful photographs by Elena Shumilova plunge the viewer into a beautiful world that revolves around two boys and their adorable dog, cat, duckling and rabbit friends. Taking advantage of natural colors, weather conditions and her enchanting surroundings, the gifted Russian artist creates cozy and heartwarming photography that will leave you amazed. The boys in the photographs are the photographer’s sons and the animals belong to the farm she runs. “I largely trust my intuition and inspiration when I compose photos. I get inspired mainly by my desire to express something I feel, though I usually cannot tell exactly what that is” Shumilova explained to BoredPanda. Rural settings, natural phenomena and the changing seasons seem to be the greatest stimuli in her works. “When shooting I prefer to use natural light – both inside and outside. I love all sorts of light conditions – street lights, candle light, fog, smoke, rain and snow – everything that gives visual and emotional depth to the image,” the photographer said. Shumilova told us her passion for photography manifested in early 2012 when she got her first camera. Her most recent equipment includes the Canon EOS 5D Mark II camera and a 135mm lens . As a mother who doesn’t want to miss out on her growing children, she says she shoots every day and processes the images at night. We suggest you take a cup of tea, lean back comfortably in your armchair and browse this beautiful collection of Elena Shumilova’s photographs. “Children and animals – it’s my life. I’m a mom with two sons and we spend a lot of time on the farm,” – Shumilova told Bored Panda. “When shooting I prefer to use natural light – both inside and outside. I love all sorts of light conditions – street lights, candle light, fog, smoke, rain and snow – everything that gives visual and emotional depth to the image.” “When I graduated from school I entered Moscow Institute of Architecture where I practiced with sketching and painting a lot. I suppose it is sketching and painting that defined my feeling of photography and composition.” “I’ve been shooting every day and processing the images at nights. By autumn I felt I found my own way of approaching photography.” “I largely trust my intuition and inspiration when I compose photos. I get inspired mainly by my desire to express something I feel, though I usually cannot tell exactly what that is.” “I’m so glad that my pictures began to be liked by many people. It inspires me & it makes me do better with my pictures.” Thank you, Elena, for the interview. We are looking forward to more magical pictures! Almost finished... To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Like what you`re reading? Subscribe to our top stories.