Problems in having sex with her husband
Problems in having sex with her husband
A jury in Florida has acquitted a 70-year-old Vietnam War veteran accused of shooting dead an actor half his age whom he caught having sex with his wife in the couple’s home. It took the jurors two hours Thursday to clear retired Lt. Col. Ralph Wald of second-degree murder charges in the March 10 slaying of 32-year-old Walter Conley. Prosecutors said Wald heard his wife, 41-year-old Johnna Lynn Flores, and Conley having sex in the living room of their Brandon home, grabbed a gun and shot the actor three times, killing him. Lovebirds: Ralph Lewis Wald (left) and his wife, Johnna Lynn Flores (right), embrace as he leaves the Orient Road Jail after being acquitted of f second-degree murder for shooting Flores` lover Marriage on the mend: Flores told reporters that her husband has `100 per cent` forgiven her, and the two plan to celebrate his acquittal with a trip to a Waffle House The 70-year-old man, however, claimed self-defense, saying that he thought his wife was being raped. Wald`s attorney, Joe Episcopo, has built his defense around Florida `stand your ground ` law, which says that a homeowner has no obligation to retreat when faced with an intruder on his property. In court Thursday, the defendant said he does not regret shooting and killing his wife`s lover, MyFox Tampa Bay reported. `If the same thing happened again, I would do the same thing,’ Wald said. ‘I didn`t think I did anything wrong.` He then added: `I had a problem, I found someone raping my wife. I took care of it. I got a gun and I shot him. He also expressed hope that he and Flores would be able to salvage their marriage – a process that would likely require counselling for their sexual problems. ‘In fact, she would joke a lot with me … that we were a perfect couple,’ Wald said. ‘She didn`t want to do it, and I couldn`t do it.’ Outside the Hillsborough Circuit Court, Wald`s philandering spouse gushed to the gathered reporters that she was `elated` by her husband`s acquittal. And the happy couple had a special evening planned ahead to celebrate Wald`s release from jail. `Because my husband puts me first, he`s taking me to the Waffle House,` Flores boasted, according to Tampa Bay Times. Hours after the not guilty verdict, Wald`s wife hinted that the couple may be on the road to reconciliation. ‘My husband forgives me 100 per cent. But there are of course, trust issues, that`s something we`re gonna go to counseling about, she said as she waited for her husband`s release from jail. ‘I wouldn`t give that man up for the world.’ When the bearded septuagenarian walked out of Orient Road Jail, he and Flores exchanged a passionate kiss before getting into a waiting car and taking off. The two-day trial held at Hillborough Circuit Court offered a portrait of a troubled marriage made complicated by the husband’s erectile dysfunction and the wife’s alcohol addiction and infidelity. Prosecutors in the case tried to convince the jury that since Wald himself could not perform sexually, he murdered Conley in a jealous rage when he walked in on the 32-year-old man having sex with his wife at around midnight on March 10. ‘It`s a personal insult to conduct that kind of activity in a man`s home, his castle. It cuts to the quick. It`s brazen,’ Assistant State Attorney Chris Moody said in closing arguments. ‘That kind of deep and personal insult, when you find another man having sex in your living room and you can`t, would make you want to lash out. And he did.’ Unhappy couple: Ralph Lewis Wald, 70, has been married to Johnna Flores, 41, for less than five months when Wald caught Ms Flores having sex with her ex-boyfriend after he went to bed Horror: Wald went into the living room for a glass of water and found the pair `fornicating.` He went back to his bedroom, got a gun and allegedly shot his wife`s ex dead However, defense attorney Joe Episcopo argued that his client did not recognize Conley - his wife`s ex-boyfriend - and was under the impression that the man was raping Flores. Wald said he got out of bed about midnight March 10 to get a drink of water when he found Flores and Conley having sex on the living room floor in his home in Brandon, Florida. According to Hillsborough County Sheriff`s deputies, Wald went back to his room and returned with a handgun. Killed: Walter Lee Conley, 32, had a record of petty theft. He died at the scene He shot Conley, who lived on Lover`s Lane in nearby Riverview, several times. He died at the scene. Wald called 911 and said he had killed Conley after he caught him `fornicating` with his 41-year-old wife, according to police. Flores testified during the trial that she was drunk on cognac and could remember almost nothing from that night. Conley`s relatives, who were in court to hear the verdict, could be seen silently weeping when Wald was acquitted. Afterwards, one family member said he was disappointed by the outcome of the trial, the station WTSP reported. Flores lived with Conley before she married Wald five months last year. She is Wald`s fifth wife. Ms Flores was arrested last October - just two weeks before she and Wald were married - for allegedly firing a shot of Conley. She said he came over and refused to leave. Conley told police Flores invited him back to the home they used to share. She and Conley, who had a record of petty thefts and worked as a laborer, had shared a house next door to Wald in the community of Brandon. Flores allegedly shot at Conley at 3am on October 19. She and Wald were dating then and he bailed her out of jail. Those charges were later dropped. Ms Flores and Wald married on October 25. Wald, a U.S. Army veteran, has a 20-year-old daughter with a previous wife.
Would You Be Fine With Your Husband Having Sex With Someone Else? So I`m talking one day to a woman who obviously was very indifferent to nurturing sexual intimacy with her husband. I try to convince her that maybe such intimacy does deserve some of her effort. Trust me. I always overestimate my degree of influence in situations like these. I am such a renegade. So, in a last ditch effort, I say, "Well, what if he wanted to have sex with someone else? Would that be okay?" You can imagine her reaction to that. There was no way it was okay for him to have sex with someone else. In that moment, from where she was standing, I was certifiably out of my mind. What would you say to such a question? Would you be fine if your husband wanted to have sex with someone else? It`s one thing if he wants to have an occasional beer with his buddies or go on a fishing weekend with his brother, right? No problem. But sex with the neighbor woman down the road or the hot fitness instructor at the gym or the colleague he`s worked with for years, well... you draw the line, right? That I`m even posing the question is a bit ludicrous, isn`t it? Some circles want to sing the glories of "progressive" lifestyles like "open marriage" and "swinging," but the truth is that the prevailing standard most people expect within their marriage is fidelity. Common sense is really all we need to confirm this. Ask the average everyday wife, and more often than not, we`re all going to say we are not okay with our husbands having sex with someone else. So, why is it then, that so many wives are just fine with not having sex within their own marriages... with the men they married? The two trains of thought just don`t mesh. Him desiring sex with you: No big deal. No reason to pay attention. Him desiring sex with someone else: Very big deal. Very big reason to pay attention. I have spoken with wives and listened as they rationalize their decision to withhold sex from their husbands, as if such a decision were no different than refusing to iron his shirts or refusing to get the kind of ketchup he likes. "He just needs to get over it. I don`t like sex. He doesn`t need it. He`s such an animal. Good Lord, can`t he control his urges? Is that all he ever thinks about? I`m sick of it. He needs to grow up." And so the story plays itself out. Husbands who want the one thing that they could never justify ethically getting from someone other than their wife. And wives who push such desire aside, as if they`ve done nothing more than deny to wash his car or deny to fold his socks. And even if they do succumb to his pleas every now and then, their motivation is mere obligation rather than a genuine hunger to be sexual with their husband. These are tough things to shed light on, because if long-established patterns exist within a marriage of one partner denying the other partner sex, such patterns begin to seem "normal." (More often than not, it is wives who are denying sex, but the reverse happens too... husbands who refuse to be sexually available to their wives, which is equally devastating and painful). It should not surprise us that adultery is considered by most people to be the ultimate betrayal in a marriage. Even the Lord Himself uses the word "adulterous" to describe the behavior of His people when they have turned from Him. Do we really think God just pulled that term out of the air? Or would wiser discernment tell us that He uses such a word so that we can understand the depth of betrayal He is describing when His people turn from Him? Just to be clear here, I am in no way suggesting that spouses who are denied sexual intimacy from their partners would be justified in adultery. Absolutely not. And in situations where adultery has already occurred, I`m in no way saying that restoration of sexual intimacy within the marriage bed wouldn`t first take an enormous amount of healing and restoration of trust outside the bed. What I am suggesting is that in marriages where sex has just fallen by the wayside or is a source of contention between one spouse who wants it and one who couldn`t care less about it, there is room for growth. The simple fact that adultery is so incredibly painful and destructive should reveal to us that the flip side is true as well -- nurtured and savored sexual intimacy within a marriage is unbelievably bonding and powerful. Marriage is a complex creature, I know. But when we agree to embark into such complexity, one aspect to which we are agreeing is that we won`t withhold our body from our spouse. Even better is when we actually enjoy giving our body to our spouse -- and receiving their body. God gave sex to married couples for many reasons. Some of these are pretty obvious, like the creation of children. Other reasons, though, are more subtle but equally valid -- like to protect us from temptation, to remind us of our marriage covenant, and to lessen the likelihood that the foundation of our marriage will succumb to pressures that are otherwise fairly minor. And when both spouses truly value sex and nurture it with fearless abandon, the benefits exceed far beyond protection from temptation. The one flesh mystery is exactly that -- a mystery that begs us to never stop trying to discover its depths and its pleasures. I hear from plenty of spouses who would never cheat on their partner, but they are dying a bit on the inside each day. They would never waver from their marital commitment, but they couldn`t have fathomed such a commitment would be void of sexual oneness. If you find yourself as the one who is denying sex, there is no better time than now to set a new course in your marriage. Do your part today to entertain the idea that sex with your spouse is worth heartfelt effort. For more on refinding intimacy, consider this series Sarah Baron is doing over at www.Anonymous8.com (she interviewed me for one of the posts, but there are other posts in the series too, so check those out). And I recently did a post on "How Much Time Does It Take, Anyway?" , where I share how great sex really can happen in 15 minutes. Also in that post, I talk about this super 15-Minute Marriage Makeover eBook that Engaged Marriage is offering. So, you tell me... would you be fine with your husband having sex with someone else? I`m just curious.
Troy is a game veteran of a decade`s standing, and a lover of women, literature, travel and freedom. He is also the author of The Seven Laws of Seduction . Visit his website at Troy Francis . A woman has posted a spreadsheet on Reddit sent to her by her husband detailing her excuses for rejecting him for sex. Compiled over a month, the excuses range from her prioritizing a Friends re-run over marital intimacy, to consistent references to her feeling too “gross” “sweaty” and “drunk” to make love. Sounds like a real catch. The email was sent as the husband set off on a ten-day business trip. He then cut contact with her, causing her to grow incensed and post these most intimate details of their (lack of) a sex life online. Horrifyingly, both the husband and wife are only 26 years old. They have been together for five years and married for two, with no kids. They own a house together. The post garnered over 700 comments on Reddit, and the story has been picked up by mainstream media outlets from The Huffington Post to Mail Online . The wife attempted to justify her emotional betrayal of her partner like this: Our lives have been crazy busy. We spent all spring renovating our new house. At my job I was given nearly double my usual workload after some of my colleagues were laid off. I gained some weight in the winter and have been busting my a** at the gym to get rid of it. Yesterday morning, while in a taxi on the way to the airport, husband sends a message to my work email which is connected to my phone. He’s never done this, we always communicate in person or by text. I open it up, and it’s a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won’t miss me for the 10 days I’m gone. Attached is a SPREADSHEET of all the times he has tried to initiate sex since June 1, with a column for my “excuses”, using verbatim quotes of why I didn’t feel like having sex at that very moment. Without a doubt, tiredness and being busy can occasionally have a detrimental effect on the poon party, but three instances of coitus out of twenty-eight attempts is a sexual desert. I guess the mainstream response to the story has been predictable enough, but it is depressing to observe the degree to which most commentators have taken the wife’s side and criticized the husband, calling him cruel and harsh. As always, is is the man who is in the wrong. One (female) commentator on Mail Online wrote: Perhaps she has taken five years of this guy only treating her “special” when he wants sex..? Some men seem to not realize what a turnoff this is. You can’t treat a girl like crap all day long and expect her to want intimacy at day’s end. There is simply no way to satisfy a woman sexually if she is unsatisfied with the rest of the relationship. She may love you enough to put up with it for a while…but she will eventually not be able to fake it anymore. See how the hamster runs. Without any knowledge of the back story, this writer assumes that the wife has withheld sex as a response to errant behaviour. Sadly, those of us who live on planet earth and interact with women know that sex is far more likely to wither and die in the face of beta supplication than jerkboy aloofness. Do the chores and she won’t drop her drawers. The most common response—even from commentators on the Roosh V forum —has been to describe the guy’s strategy as passive aggressive and immature. In my view, words like these are simply shaming tools. Sure, the guy could have “manned up” and spoken to her about the issue—but my bet is that he already had. The spreadsheet feels very much like a last resort, and not one designed, as some have mistakenly deduced, to try to reignite the spark: If someone had constructed a spreadsheet of reasons why I wouldn’t have sex with them, it would make me instantly want to pounce on their cock and worship them like the god of sex they clearly are. No wait – it would make me feel nauseous and like I didn’t want them anywhere near me. That’s beyond pathetic. No. My belief is that he judged a spreadsheet to be the clearest and most logical way to delineate his wife’s errant behavior. I don’t suppose for a moment he expected it to cause her to run back to him and begin fellating him. Whether it was a beta move or not is still being debated, but there is something quite compelling, almost Bret Easton Ellis dark triad, in sending a formal analysis of one’s sex life then going incommunicado on a business trip. Rather than round in on the husband’s supposed immaturity and passive-aggressiveness, people should instead consider the wife’s immaturity, the wife’s passive-aggressiveness. Not only has she willingly and of her own accord made a legal and ethical commitment which her subsequent lack of sexual interest suggests she shouldn’t have made, but she has also chosen to share a private document on the internet. For this she has—bewilderingly—been cheered on by women and manboobs everywhere. Still, in a way this story has done men a favor. The best creative agency in the world would have been hard-pressed to come up with a more effective advertisement against marriage. Rollo points out that getting hitched is no insulation from the sexual marketplace, and it is a common trope that men need to game their wives. But that’s a hell of a lot of work, and with the sexual rewards potentially so low, and with women being a depreciating asset over time, many guys could be forgiven for choosing not to bother and to remain single, learn game and spin plates instead. Want to learn how to spin plates and enjoy an abundant sex life? Then click here
New Here? Welcome! Dear Wendy is a relationship advice blog. You can read about me here , peruse the archives here and read popular posts here . You can also follow along on Facebook and Instagram . If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected] (be sure to read these guidelines first). Thanks for visiting! New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. If you don’t find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), or submit a question for advice . My husband and I have been together for seven years. We have two beautiful boys, a 4-year-old and a 2-month-old, and our relationship has always been a great one. My mother has been living with us for the past year and a half. My husband didn’t love the idea, but I convinced him it was only for a short time. Back in January when I was 9 months pregnant, I confided in my mother that my OB advised me not to have sex because of some pregnancy complications. A few days later, my husband’s phone went off in the middle of the night, so I reached over to silence it and saw my mother’s name. I woke up my husband and asked him to please show me the message. He unlocked his phone and deleted the message and said, “You’re being ridiculous.” I started losing my cool. I walked swiftly across the house and into my mother’s room and confronted her, asking her if she had something going on with my husband. Her tears started and she began saying, “Nothing! Why would you think such of me?” My husband came in screaming, telling me to return to our bedroom because I’d lost my mind. We talked and I calmed down. The next afternoon, my mother suggested I see a therapist and maybe ask for an antidepressant after my pregnancy because I’m paranoid and anxious. Six weeks after my pregnancy I did just that, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that there had been something more to their messages. Then during the last week in March, my mother confided in me that she had HSV-2 (genital herpes) and had had it for 10 years. She explained that her current boyfriend was accusing her of passing on the disease and was threatening to take her to court because she had kept it hidden. That night I told my husband about the disease and we never spoke about it again, until the last week of April. I was on the way home and received a call from my husband’s best friend and his wife concerned that there had been something extremely wrong with my husband when he stopped by a few minutes earlier. I called my husband and asked if parenting a toddler and a newborn had been too much. He began to cry. A loud, horrid sob. He said: “You’re going to leave me. Today is the day you leave me and take the kids. I have something, an STD.” I asked him who he had been with besides me; he said, “You already know who!” I hung up the phone in shock and called my mother who admitted it. Turns out my mother spent the first week in January texting my husband inappropriate messages. One night after he and I had been at a friend’s house where he got belligerently drunk, and while I was asleep, he was rummaging in the kitchen looking for more whiskey and my mother beckoned him to come to her room. He, completely out of control, followed her inside where she took off her clothes and bent over the bed. Afterwards he cleaned up and sat in bed crying. I remember waking up to his tears, asking him what was wrong, and he just whispered that he loves me so. It never happened again, he completely ignored her, and three days later I accused them. (Quick note: He and I and our newborn have been tested for HSV-2 as well as other STDs and have tested negative). I’ve now had my mother move out and have ceased all communication with her (even though I work with her) and I’m trying to move on, but I want to stay with my husband. I’ve spent a few weeks without him, focusing on the kids but also getting needed alone time to cry, grieve, and process. I absolutely am miserable without him. I know I don’t need him–I am positive I can raise and support my children on my own–but I’m truly in love with this man. I don’t want to stay with him because of the kids, I want to stay with him because of ME. He’s always been a GREAT husband, father, and best friend, and he says he will spend an eternity apologizing and making it right. Of the few times we’ve spent together alone in the last week or so, I feel great, safe, and confident. When I’m without him and alone, I become angry and begin to just break down under myself. How do I continue this healing process without being a woman scorned and without ruining my marriage? — Betrayed By Mom and Husband One word: therapy. Get it. Get it regardless of whether you decide to give your marriage another chance. Get it because you have been betrayed in the most hurtful way by the two people you trusted most. In the meantime, you should distance yourself even further from your mother. She’s toxic and awful and, though you may never stop loving her, I would caution against ever having a relationship with her again. Since you work together, I’d start looking for a job elsewhere. I don’t know how you can fully process, grieve, and move on from what happened if you have to see this woman on a regular basis. Now, onto your husband. I wouldn’t be so fast to discount his responsibility here. He had sex with your mother. Being drunk isn’t an excuse. Furthermore, what was he even doing being “belligerently drunk” when his wife was 9 months pregnant and could go into labor at any minute? Or, was getting you to the hospital safely another thing he didn’t have to be responsible for? Also, you lied to your husband. You told him your mother living with you would be for a “short time,” but she she was still with you a year and a half later. Clearly, your marriage suffered a lack of communication and respect long before your husband had sex with your mother. I’ll repeat that again: YOUR HUSBAND HAD SEX WITH YOUR MOTHER. Does that make you angry? It should! It should enrage you. You should be filled with so much fury that the thought of sharing space, let alone emotional and physical intimacy, with this man should be one of the last things on your mind. When you say you feel great, safe, and confident in his company and angry when you’re alone, you sound desperate to aim the fury anywhere other than where it belongs: directed at the two people who betrayed you (including your husband!). You’ve had only a few weeks to start processing this. It’s going to take a long, long time to truly wrap your head around what’s happened. In the meantime, you have two children who need your attention. Look to them for the sense of security and confidence you’re craving. Find validation in being a good mother to them. And work with a therapist on figuring out your feelings toward your husband. Don’t rush back into his arms and don’t make the mistake of sweeping this under the rug and moving forward like nothing happened because you think that’s easier and less painful and will keep your family intact. Living in denial won’t really keep your family intact. It won’t heal you. It won’t get rid of the rage inside you that needs some place to go. That rage and the hurt and confusion and all the other stuff you’re feeling will eat away at you until you’re empty, and then not only will you have nothing left to give your marriage, but you’ll have nothing for your children either. Please don’t let that happen. Please go to therapy and deal with this ugliness bravely. Face it head-on. And don’t make any decision about whether to stay with your husband or not until you’ve worked through the stages of grief, including getting angry at him. Really, really angry. Because there is no excuse for what he did. And until you accept that he is just as responsible for having sex with your mother as she is for having sex with him, you aren’t ready to move forward. And the feeling of security and confidence you think you have when you’re with your husband, weeks after learning he screwed your mom while you were asleep in the other room, nine months pregnant with his baby, is false. And that’s not something you can even begin to rebuild trust and a relationship on. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected] .
Are you a bad wife if you don’t perform oral sex on your husband? Some husbands whose wives refuse to perform oral sex on them complain that other women do this for the men they love and if their wife really loved them they would do it; but some women are not comfortable with oral sex, whether to give it or receive it. If you’re absolutely not willing to perform oral sex on your spouse your spouse should be able to accept how you feel about it and not try to pressure you or guilt-trip you. Oral sex is like the countless sex positions that have been invented. It is not a necessary part of the sexual experience. It might enhance the sexual experience but lack of it won’t result in bad sex unless someone chooses to make it that much of an issue. One of the most common remarks made in the comments below by husbands complaining that their wives refuse to perform the above mentioned sex act is that their wives loved doing it before they got married but as soon as they got the ring on their finger then all of a sudden they stopped doing it and changed their tune as far as how they felt about the act. If a woman loves performing oral sex she loves performing oral sex. Getting married will not suddenly result in her no longer loving any particular sex act that she loved before she got married. If your wife seemed to love doing it while you were dating then started saying she hated doing it after you got married, it is more likely that your wife never loved doing it in the first place. Otherwise, if she really did enjoy it and now acts suddenly repulsed by it, something is going on that is making the act repulsive to her. Like some people commented below, if you care enough then try to work with your wife to identify and resolve the issue. Has something about you changed and could that be why your wife’s reaction to you has changed? More often than not when we’re dating we go above and beyond to make sure everything is just right as we prepare for intimate times; but when we get married we take a lot of things for granted. Both men and women do this. Many of us don’t continue to go the extra mile. We’re only too glad to be in a position where we don’t have to work nearly as hard; and again this is not only true for women in marriage. It is also true for men. We slack off because there’s nothing we’re trying to win anymore and eventually we get into a pattern of living where we take each other for granted. Where we once saw each other as someone to work extra hard to please in order to win, we reach a point of not seeing each other as someone to work extra hard to please in order to keep. So we stop doing the extra stuff particularly when it comes to keeping up with the things that create and maintain attraction. People like to say that as long as a woman feels loved and secure she will open up sexually. It’s important for a woman to feel loved and secure, but she also needs to still be attracted to you or at the very least (or is this the most important point?) she can’t find you physically repulsive and still happily welcome your penis anywhere near her much less in her mouth. And it doesn’t have to be that you got fat or ugly. It could be your smell even. Whatever the source of the repulsion, only women who get paid for sex in some way usually have the ability to still perform despite it. So are you in some way repulsing your wife? Since we’re talking about wives with aversions to performing oral sex, maybe your penis smells bad? There’s a possibility your smell might have changed due to not going the extra mile with preparing for intimacy like you did during the dating stage. And sometimes when that means you put your penis in your wife’s face one too many times while it has a smell that’s repulsive to her, you can kill what’s left of her attraction to you. The same way a scent can be powerful in attracting people to you, it can be equally effective in its power to repulse people and make them recoil from you. It would certainly to be worth it to talk to your wife and rule this out as a possible reason or identify it as a contributing factor. Whether your wife was pretending to love giving you oral, or she did love it but something changed and she stopped wanting to do it on you, it’s not impossible to change the situation to your liking if you and your wife truly care about each other. You can be sure if your wife truly cares about you she’s not happy about the situation either because she does want to please you. She does want to make you happy in any way she can; but for her this is not just a simple matter of deciding not to have a problem and proceeding to blow your mind after making that decision. You can be sure that approaching your wife with some of the below attitudes won’t result in her overcoming whatever aversion she has to the act. And what is it that you most want? Is it comradery with other angry, disgusted fed up husbands whose wives aren’t giving them blow jobs or an improved relationship with your wife that sees you having better sex and getting what you want out of your intimate encounters with her? How can that happen if your feelings towards her are so ugly that you would rather simply trash her here or elsewhere online than go to her and talk with her honestly, openly, respectfully about your feelings and desires and your concerns that her neglect as you perceive it could cause major problems for the two of you and possibly end your marriage? Are you a bad wife if you don`t perform oral sex on your husband?, 5.9 out of 10 based on 67 ratings 0 363 104122 30 November, 2010 Marriage Minute Hi, though my real name is not Soliel, it is the name I have chosen to represent myself here. I am a freelance writing wife and mother who is in no way an expert in the subject of love and marriage. My posts, particularly any posts that appear to be giving advise or providing answers to questions, should be regarded as an expression of my personal opinion on the subject of discussion. Nothing I write is meant to be presented as if coming from an expert source. I have no professional qualifications or specialized knowledge in marriage and relationship fields of study. I am not a marriage counselor nor do I have any background in counseling. I present my thoughts much in the same light as a mother, sister or friend might. I only hope to help contribute to the ongoing conversation about love and marriage relationships and what makes them succeed or fail. If you disagree with something I write you are welcome to share your thoughts by leaving a comment. I do get to approve or disapprove my comments so please keep in mind that comments intended to offend are not likely to be approved. If anything I write offends anyone I do offer my sincere apology.
I’m just wondering if there are other men out there that do this because my husband does this and I don’t know how I should feel about it. I’ll wake up and find him having sex with me or maybe I should say having sex with my body since I think for him to be having sex “with me” I would need to be awake. Should I feel like I’m being used like a blowup sex doll or is this normal and acceptable behavior? Submitted by guest Based on a comment left below I have decided to expand this topic that was started by a guest poster with a story from my own experience. The comment in question appealed for the point of view of a woman who has some experience with the issue given that the majority of the comments below are from men. My first experience with this happened before I married my husband. I had gone to live with him in his country. We had not yet been sexually intimate as we’d agreed when our relationship first started that we would wait until we were married. It had been about 4.5 years we’d been together by the time I went to live with my husband. I had already figured we would end up having sex before getting married but I didn’t expect it to be initiated the way my husband initiated it the very first night of my arrival. In the middle of sleeping I started to have a very erotic dream. It was so intense that my body had become aroused in reality to the point where it woke me up and I discovered this man, not yet my husband, was having sex with me. My body and my mind were not in sync as far as how they felt about it. My body was in a state of arousal but to my mind I was quite shocked and disturbed by the discovery. I felt I had been violated in the worst way imaginable regardless how my body felt. You can arouse someone’s body while their mind remains aware that what is going on isn’t right. Many a young girl is violated this way every day. I didn’t make a big deal about it after and I don’t think I’ve ever made a big deal about it on any of the occasions that my husband has done it throughout our marriage; but I am never comfortable with knowing that while I’m sleeping my husband starts sexual intercourse with me. There have been times I have awoken aroused but that has never removed the feelings of discomfort even if I have participated in the sex after being awoken aroused. I have never thought it was my husbands intention to violate me; but knowing it’s not his intention doesn’t mean you don’t still feel violated. I know sometimes he wants sex and I just want to sleep so I do sometimes tell him it’s okay if I’m sleeping and he does it–not that it’s generally okay but that it’s okay on that specific occasion; but unless I give him permission I don’t think it’s something he should be doing especially if he’s doing it with the intention that I will sleep through it and not know about it. It doesn’t matter if I wake up in the middle of it on the verge of the most explosive orgasm in history; if the intention was to have sex with my body and for me to stay sleeping through it and therefore be completely unaware unless in the morning I sense my body had been used, this is absolutely not okay unless I have previously indicated that I don’t mind and you can do this to me any time you like. Everybody is different and boundaries need to be respected. Just because one man’s wife might have no problem with it doesn’t mean your wife is being unreasonable for having a problem with it. If your wife doesn’t mind then she doesn’t mind. If she does mind, then please don’t write her off as being a bitch for it. In my husband’s case, except for that night–the first night of my brief time living with him in his country 18 years ago–I’ve never believed it was his intention to use my body and for me to sleep through it. He wanted sex. I was sleeping. He felt it was okay to go ahead and have sex with me anyway. He’s my husband. I’m his wife. It’s not like he found himself sleeping next to a woman that he’s not involved with and he decided to steal sex from her while she was sleeping. He would understand that would be rape; but when it’s his wife, his sex partner, he considers it okay to do this. In a way I can’t fault him for thinking it should be okay; but at the end of the day, a person’s body belongs only to herself or himself. If you particularly like to have sex with your wife while she’s sleeping but she has a problem with it and finds it creepy, talk to her about it. Explain to her why you like having sex with her while she’s sleeping. Help her understand it because right now she finds it creepy and if you keep doing it you’re putting your marriage at risk because she isn’t going to be comfortable with you. She’s going to think she’s married to a creep. She’s going to feel like you’re violating her in the worst way and you don’t care that you are violating because you keep doing it even though she complains. That makes it even creepier and sends out other damaging messages about how little you love her and how little you respect her. Having sex with your wife while she`s sleeping, 6.1 out of 10 based on 81 ratings 0 147 151643 11 January, 2011 Marriage Social Guest posts are posts submitted by non-registered visitors to this website. If you want to submit content but would like your content to have a name of your choosing please register a username and password first then login before you make your submission. This way your submission will not be posted under the guest account
Apparently about 2 per cent of adult men have a foreskin that won`t retract back over the glans, or will only retract partially. This condition is known as phimosis. This is usually because of a tight band of skin somewhere on the foreskin called the "phimotic ring" which is narrower than the size of the glans. In the worst cases, called pinhole phimosis, even urination through the narrow opening of the foreskin can be difficult. More usually, the phimotic ring is not so tight as to hinder urination, but it will prevent a boy or man revealing his glans. There is a comprehensive discussion of all these issues on the website run by Robin Stuart. A non-retractable foreskin is normal in a little boy, and it`s not a problem - the adhesions which bind the glans and prepuce (foreskin) together do not separate for a few years after birth, and this is quite normal. There is a link in the table below which describes some personal experiences of how parents have helped the natural process of loosening their little boys` foreskins, and these make interesting reading. But I must emphasize the need not to force a baby`s foreskin back before it is ready to move flexibly. And if this guy can get his foreskin back over his glans I would be very surprised, bearing in mind how tight it is, and the apparently very small opening at the end of the foreskin.. Some cases of phimosis are congenital, and have existed from birth. In these cases a teenage boy may not realize he has a penis different from the norm, although he is likely to know something is wrong when he begins to masturbate or tries to have penetrative sex, because of the painful experience of not being able to retract his foreskin. In cases where the glans is partially retractable, the fibrous nature of the phimotic ring can make masturbation painful as it moves over the sensitive glans surface. Other phimoses appear to be a result of balanitis, a common infection and inflammation of the glans. Some phimoses develop in adulthood due to diabetes, which can make the foreskin swell up with edema (water retention) and prevent its retraction. And injury can cause the skin tissue of the penis to turn into a fibrous, less flexible tissue, causing a characteristic narrowing of the penile shaft similar to that of paraphimosis and causing pain or discomfort on erection (J Am Acad Dermatol 1999 Jul; 41(1):106-8). Paraphimosis is the term used to describe the trapping of a very tight foreskin behind the corona of the glans, a situation which can make the glans swell up due to restricted blood flow and is regarded as a medical emergency. The way to get a trapped foreskin back over the glans is described on CIRP.org`s web-site: ....when a tight foreskin is forcibly retracted and becomes trapped behind the head of the penis, the tissue may become edematous and swell thus further aggravating the problem. First aid for this condition is simple. The head of the penis must be squeezed very tightly between thumb and forefinger. This forces blood out of the head and reduces the size. The foreskin can then be brought forward to its normal position. Parents should be instructed to avoid forcible retraction of a boy`s foreskin. Application of ice may also be helpful. Forcible retraction of a tight foreskin should be avoided. Hospital treatment with injection of hyaluronidase has been shown to be successful. It works by reducing the edema. It basically depends on whether the phimosis is adult-onset or has been present from childhood. Although it may seem simple, in the latter case, simple techniques to stretch the opening at the end of the foreskin can cure the problem! This is illustrated on a comprehensive web-site run by Foreskin.org Circumcision has traditionally been regarded, at least by the medical profession, as the only cure for a phimosis; but many men have used stretching techniques to cure their phimosis (see links). There are surgical solutions other than circumcision, in particular the dorsal slit technique, which is a conservative solution to the problem of phimosis. You can read about all the possible cures and treatment options - these include steroid creams, and minor surgical procedures which avoid circumcision - by following the links below. This picture shows a very clear image of the frenulum. Click to expand the image. Glansie.com A unique tool for curing phimosis at home. Male Initiation R Stuart`s excellent site on phimosis. Treatment of phimosis From CIRP.org. Especially good on modern treatments that avoid circumcision. This site includes a classic article on penile development, emphasizing the normality of a non-retractable childhood foreskin. Photographs of phimosis after stretching the foreskin Foreskin.org`s site has many informative photographs on all aspects of penile anatomy including phimosis. Site includes a good personal account of curing phimosis by stretching. I have developed penile phimosis, which is involuntary closing of the penis foreskin to result in opening of only 1/4", unable to retract. No pain and no visual differences. Urologists want to circumcise, but I hear it is not needed - any advice? This condition truly is the pits. I guess I had phimosis from birth. I can remember the bouts I had as a child with painful urination and how the tip of my foreskin would burn every once in a while. I remember my mom taking me to the family doctor who said not to worry about it. I remember my mom dabbing Vaseline on the tip of my inflamed foreskin so that it would heal and wouldn`t hurt when I urinated. I had to be under five. I never could pull the foreskin back without a little pain, even when I was totally flaccid. As I grew into adulthood, my foreskin naturally stayed over my glans when I had an erection. I thought that was normal. How was I to know? But as I got older, I figured something was wrong. The first time I tried to have sex it hurt like hell. My foreskin wanted to go back but wouldn`t. I figured the best way to have sex was to use a rubber, which is what I did from then on. Well, to make a long story short this led to 13 or 14 screwed up years without any sort of "normal" sex life. It`s funny but I really didn`t wise up to my condition until I visited a prostitute in Las Vegas. (My first and only time, by the way.) I knew I couldn`t have normal sex with her, but figured a "total massage" would be a pretty cool deal. Well, when she looked at my erection my life changed. She told me that I needed to get my problem fixed. I didn`t act on what she said immediately, but at the age of 34 I chose to get circumcised. It was honestly the best thing I ever did in my life. Yea, it hurt like hell. Yea, I swore up and down at the doctor for being a butcher when I got a look at my penis two hours after the operation! But everything turned out great. I wish I had it done when I was a baby, or when I was in my teens, or whatever, but I have no regrets. My husband has phimosis and it has screwed him up sexually and psychologically. His story resembles yours so closely. It saddens me that no on had discovered this earlier. He is 31 and finally dealing with this problem. He didn`t know he had a physical problem so attributed all of his sexual problems to his own inadequacy. The question I have for you is concerning circumcision. His urologist today told him he needed it and he is very scared. Not so much of the operation itself, but of what the effects will be afterward. How did the sensation change? Was it overwhelming? Or did it decrease? Were you freaked out by the look of you penis without its foreskin? How long was it before you could handle sex physically and emotionally? Did you have a problem ejaculating during sex before your operation, and if so, was that problem resolved? Reply from the guy who had the op: First a caveat: everyone is different, so I don`t think he should base his decision on my experience. Now, my answers. No problem ejaculating before the operation. I like the way I look now a whole lot more. It took about a month before I could have sex. The head of my penis was sensitive for much longer though, probably a year or so, maybe even three years. Not bad sensitive, just slightly, more noticeably sensitive. Is it still sensitive? Only in the way that a man`s penis should be sensitive. When it`s touched I get an erection.... It`s been twelve years since I have had the operation. Prior to the operation intercourse was not a whole lot of fun, as I have described previously. Now it is fantastic. My circumcision really opened up a whole new world to me. I have been married for six years, and have known my wife for ten years. doubt we would be together if I had still had all of my "problems" when we met. I never could have a total relationship with a woman before my circumcision. I got rid of a medical condition that was preventing me from having normal sexual intercourse with a woman. How else can I look at it? I didn`t know about any alternative procedures such as stretching or creams or whatever. I am glad I didn`t. I thank God that I got circumcised! It was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Will it be the same way for your husband? I don`t know. If your husband does go through with this he should be forewarned. When he wakes up from the surgery it`s a very good possibility that it`s going to hurt like hell! And when the bandages come off at home he is going to be pissed off! It will take a few weeks for the swelling to go down. So you need to be there to help him through the trauma. Don`t force him to have sex. Let him experiment on his own to see if it still works.... it will. He has decided to have a circumcision on Friday. I will definitely be there for him - and for having sex......well that hasn`t been much of an option up until now so I certainly won`t be pressuring him. He thinks of his glans as an internal organ. So, psychologically I don`t know what this will do to him. It can`t get much worse though. I really respect him for going through with this operation despite his horror so that we can have a relationship. I hope he can learn to enjoy the pleasures of sex. One question: You said you had sex a month afterward. What was that experience like? Did the changed sensation freak you out? Were you nervous? When you saw your uncircumcised penis, even after it healed, did you think, "Oh my god!, my body shouldn`t look like this!" My husband is British (in America) and not used to the idea of circumcision. There is so much psychological weight to this whole thing I hope he can adjust. Oh, one more question: how did you have to change the way you masturbated - If you don`t mind me asking? I want him to try it out on his own first, but I`m not sure he`ll know how to go about it. Please be as detailed as you feel comfortable being - I`ll have him read it. The operation went OK. The doc gave him some good drugs. I think I`ve been more freaked than he has surprisingly. I`ve had to change the bandages and it`s awfully bloody. I think they put the first bandage on too tight, because he had some problems urinating at first, but it cleared up after I took it off. I thought I was prepared to see it, but I guess not. It`s looking a bit better now though. He`s dealing with the whole ordeal better than he expected. The doctor saved the frenulum and stitched it to the head so it`s terribly gory and painful. Oh well, this is the worst of it. Any advice would be welcomed. And a response from another guy, who is a newcomer to the discussion: I feel sad that your husband did not search the Internet before having his circumcision. If he had done so. he could have had a simple preputioplasty procedure that would have avoided the pain, gore, blood, and most of all the inevitable loss of function that goes with a circumcision. For example he could have had the Cuchow procedure called preputioplasty (click on link). This produces a reaction from the guy who responded to the original query: Let`s get the patient`s opinion, doc [this is a bit sarcastic, I think!]. I have never been the least sad because of my circumcision, it was a blessing sent from heaven. Do you feel sad for me too? Since your circumcision cured a problem with your prepuce, I imagine that you are indeed happy to be relieved of the problem, however, yes, I do feel sad because you lost your prepuce. If your operation was being performed today, you would have the option of either non-surgical treatment or non-traumatic non-destructive surgery that would have preserved the many important physiological functions of the prepuce. Many men who have been circumcised do not have a frenulum, so if you would like to see a picture, please go to the anatomy-circumcision page of this web-site. The frenulum is the skin connecting the foreskin and glans. When it`s too short, it will bruise or tear during intercourse - see th epicture on the right - and extreme case, to be sure. (The frenulum is usually safe during masturbation.) It also causes the foreskin to continually spring forward. If the tear heals with scar tissue, it may actually be shorter than it was to start with, which sets up a cycle of tearing, healing, tearing, healing, and so on. Eventually, medical attention will be needed. A 3 Adhesions between glans, especially the coronal rim, and the foreskin An email from one of my readers: "When I was fourteen or so, my corona and foreskin were still adhering to each other - a remnant of the childhood adhesions between foreskin and glans, which, I understand, are quite normal. But I had no idea these adhesions were abnormal at my age, until one day when they unexpectedly detached, leading me to think my penis was falling to pieces! Although it sounds funny, it isn`t, because my glans has been hypersensitive ever since, and it is painful even to have underwear rubbing on the skin of the coronal ridge." Mostly these adhesions have separated well before eight years of age, but a few boys find they persist into puberty. Some boys will then separate the glans and foreskin themselves, which may or may not be painful, depending on how tightly they adhere. The last part of the adhesions to disappear are the ones between the coronal rim and the glans. There are not, I am sorry to say, many options to deal with this other than surgical separation if the adhesions are intractable. And I suspect that the consequence is a lifetime of over-sensitivity of the glans, which in my view would make circumcision undesirable, since the foreskin has such a protective effect on the delicate glans tissue. Read more at the link: Prepuce adhesions A 4 Infections with blotchiness, redness, scaliness, soreness, or itching of the glans tissue This is called balanitis, and the symptoms are something that most men have probably dealt with at some time or other. In fact there are a whole range of infections which cause these symptoms, ranging from the familiar old Candida (a species of yeast that causes women so much distress), to bacterial infection. In mild cases, there is usually evidence of infection in one or other partner, although spontaneous cases do arise even when an individual is not sexually active if he is diabetic or on antibiotics. Obviously bad hygiene can be a factor, too, but then so can unwashed soap deposits. The cure is simple, but it does need accurate diagnosis, so if you aren`t confident buying your steroid cream or anti-thrush ointment over the counter (or describing your symptoms to the pharmacist!) you know what you have to do: see a doctor. OK, I know it`s embarrassing, but it`s not as embarrassing as having your penis itching all the time. Here is a question and answer session from a Urology Forum. Question: The problem is this: my corona very often gets very dark purple, and sometimes the foreskin that covers the corona gets bright red. I am circumcised, but sometimes the leftover foreskin covers the penis head. Sometimes, but not always, the corona burns or stings. And sometimes it looks and feels normal. I have masturbated about 2-4 times per week since adolescence, and have intercourse with my wife about 1-2 times per week. Do you think I have permanently damaged the corona from too much masturbation? Sometimes in the past I masturbated in the shower with soap, and the corona would bleed and sting. I stopped that several years ago. I also used baby powder a lot in the past for masturbation, but not any more. Now I use K-Y for intercourse with my wife, and a vitamin-E oil for masturbation. Do you think the corona is damaged? If so permanently? Do you have any suggestions about what I could do to heal it? Thanks for any help or advice you can give. Answer: The corona is the raised portion of the glans or tip of the penis. It is essentially a sponge covered by a very thin layer of skin. The corona is commonly very blue to purple in color. If you have quite redundant foreskin after circumcision, the redness may be a yeast infection which is almost always the cause of a painful red penis in the uncircumcised. When the foreskin becomes red and painful, this diagnosis is almost certain, and topical anti-yeast creams should do the trick. You cannot damage the penis with its usage as you have described. The classic diagnosis of Lichen sclerosis et atrophicus (previously known as Balanitis xeroticus obliterans or BXO). You can read about it here: Medscape Treatment will depend largely on how advanced the disease is, but will involve steroid treatment or surgery. There have been many treatments proposed for the condition over the years, including Vitamin E, testosterone, corticosteroids, and surgery (cutting out the affected tissue). The article also observes that circumcision has proved highly effective where lesions are confined to the foreskin. In short, though, as always with penis problems, if you have this condition, or you think you may have, please see a doctor. BXO More information is available on this link. A6 Pain in the foreskin, tearing of the skin, vein damage, and similar problems - caused by rough sex or other trauma - penile pain in general These are a few email queries which we`ve received here at The-Penis.com. In all cases, the message is the same: treat your penis with respect. If you damage it, it`s a problem. But what if you have treated it with respect and something still goes wrong? The answer is to see a doctor, as soon as possible. Q: I`m a 43 year old male slim, muscular, perfect cardio and BP, excellent health, no health problems whatsoever. Maybe you have some advice for me. I was having vigorous sex with a tight condom last night for an extended duration and through all the activity I managed to rupture one of the veins just below the head of my penis. This has happened before. It`s not painful but the vein is now quite hard and there is a bulge of fluid around the area. I know what caused it but I am more concerned about avoiding the repeat offence or doing something to fix the problem. Short term I`m abstaining and avoiding any constricting motion on my penis. Longer term I`m worried about complications. Is there any treatment to fix, remove or bypass this injury? Or some other suggestion perhaps. I`m guessing that each time this happens that I`m just rupturing the vein further along its length. Q: Hi, I wonder if you can help me with a tear on my foreskin which I got when having sex with my wife. Although it healed, it remains very sensitive, and gets red and irritated during sex. Will it ever heal completely, and should I be concerned? Q: I will give you a little history. I am 42 years old and have masturbated since I was 13 about 2 to 3 times per week. About 18 months ago I noticed that the left side of my glans around where it connects to the shaft was becoming sensitive. After a while (few months) I started to experience pain which would initially last several hours and then go away again in the left side of the glans where I described. About 14 months ago, the pain began to persist up to a day or more so I consulted a doctor. He examined me and found no obvious evidence of problems so he referred me to another doctor who specializes in sexual type diseases. He examined me as well and could see no problems. He suggest I wash without soap and let the glans dry properly. I did this for 6 weeks and felt no better. He then recommended 1% hydrocortisone. I pursued this for several weeks and no improvement. He then recommended 2% hydrocortisone and this appeared to work after a couple of weeks and resolved the problem. I continued on my merry way for about 4 months and with few problems until about July next year when the same pain started to reappear again. I began to realize that it may have been caused by masturbation. I contacted the sex doctor again who asked me to stop using the hydrocortisone as it would not help the problem and referred me to a Urologist. I have now been examined by two urologists and neither could find any abnormalities after running several tests. Up until December last year the problem would settle down after about 1 to two weeks and at time if it persisted I would use hydrocortisone. One of the urologists suggested I try anti-inflammatories which I did for a while and they appeared to help a little. All this time masturbation has been limited as has sex. I am married and know I don`t have any sexual diseases nor has my wife. When I do masturbate now it is very gentle and can hardly touch the penis in the process. Also since about November last year when I ejaculate I experience a pain in the left side/top of the glans. As of January this year the pain has been persistent. I have been on anti-inflammatories for the past two weeks and not really doing too much. I have approached a pain clinic who suggested that perhaps if the anti-inflammatories don`t work that I should try infrared laser therapy to the area to reduce inflammation if it exists. I am concerned however that perhaps the left nerve that runs down the penis has been damaged. Although I don`t see how as I don`t believe I have done anything more than is considered normal. Both the Urologists I have seen have not encountered anything like this. One suggested that I masturbate too vigorously or perhaps I should use lubricant. But on occasion I would masturbate vigorously but most times I do not. As I explained previously I have not found anything like this on the web. I realize you are not a Doctor but have you come across anything like this. Pain as a result of masturbation and perhaps what people have done to resolve it if possible. Before I go, the other thing I have noticed is that my penis over the past two years when limp, is much softer than usual and smaller. This is not normal for me. Would appreciate any help you can give. This is a follow up email, some weeks later, from the man who sent the original query: I just wanted to let you know that I think I have nailed the cause of the problem. I have had ultrasounds to the penis and lower abdomen. No problems were found. Visual examination did not reveal anything either. The pain was located on the left of the penis and on top left. I had Laser Therapy (LLLC). This did not appear to help. I am now taking multi vitamins and anti oxidants. These although helping me cope better, did not resolve the problem. I saw a Physiotherapist, got some improvement but not enough to resolve the problem. I then saw a Chiropractor. After manipulating in a few different areas, particularly in the lower back, this seems to have fixed the problem. The pain has virtually gone after 4 sessions. I have summarized very quickly the things that I did. I hope that this information is helpful to someone else who may have a similar complaint. Penis fracture and pain An introduction from R Stuart, who adds: Maybe it could help to call my link a forum on atypical fracture/nerve trauma (I don`t know what exactly to call it). From my feedback it appears the forum is the only resource dealing with some sort of nerve disorder (pain or numbness erection loss maybe a sports injury) months and years after injury. Penile fracture Describes the symptoms, causes, and treatment of this unfortunate condition.NB Penile fracture requires prompt medical attention. Question: "On the underside of my penis, there is a small ridge. At the bottom, it is in two parts, and joins together about an inch up. Then it goes right up to the end, and finishes in a little point, just under the glans. It is soft, and appears to be just skin. It shows up much more when my penis is erect. I used to think this was normal, until I read a gay pornographic magazine, and realized that none of the men in the magazine had this feature. Nor have I seen any other pictures of a penis which had this feature. This ridge doesn`t hurt or feel of anything and my penis works as normal, but I`m curious to know what it is. I`d be grateful for any advice." Answer: This is completely normal, and is simply a ridge of skin where the tube of skin that makes up the penis joins together when it is being formed in the baby boy. It is (despite the question above) a feature of all penises. Here is a picture of one which is very visible. (Click to expand it.)